Boggartblog

The government of control freaks are keeping up their fear and panic campaign to turns us all into gibbering wrecks who cower in fear of swine flu. Boggart Blog has always said this scare is simply about making money for drugs manufacturers. Well now we can prove it.

Take a look at the picture below of some Swine Flu germs.

They look like mince pies don't they? And the medical authorities try to tell us it is not a seasonal disease. What could be more seasonal than mince pies.

Boggart Blog says stop worrying about Swine Flu or H1N1 as we are now supposed to say to distinguish it from Avian Swine Flu (if you know what I mean). It might make you put on a few pounds but who doesn't in December.

RELATED POSTS:
Swine Flu Conspiracy
Swine Flu - Clutching At Straws

Boggart Blog makes it our business to invigilate the progressive education lobby for sings of loonyness. An we have to be honest, they keep us busy.

One of the most crackpot ideas to come out of the academic clique that supervises the dumbing down of standard was the recruitment of a marking computer to assess A level papers.

On being given samples of writing by great authors including Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Ernest Hemingway and John Donne the computer failed them all, dismissing John Donne's line "No man is an island." as incomprehensible.

A very atmospheric passage from Dickens was branded too repetitive as was a transcript of Churchills "Fight them on the beaches" speech.

Extracts from William Goldings "Lord Of The Flies" and Anthony Burgess' "A Clockwork Orange" were described respectively as "erratic" and "bizarre."

Apart from being pedantic the marking computer cannot cope with metaphor, colloquialism or handle stylistic variation. All of which shows that despite the lurid fantasies of computer scientists Artificial Intelligence is as far away as Intergalactic Travel.

It is nicely ironic that in an education system designed, it is claimed, to encourage creativity, creativity is frowned on. The system sems to be giving out the message, "You will be creative, but only as creative as we allow you to be."

Once again we see the underlying ideal of progressive education is control freakery.

Just as a final, satisfying, nail in the coffin of the computerized exam marker in its appraisal of Chuchill's speech it corrects the use of "might of" in the phrase "might of the German Army," advising the author it was an incorrect way of writing "might have" when in fact it is an abstract noun and perfectly correct. So did Churchill pass his A level?

Computer says No.

Read about the computerized exam marker at The Times

Boggart Blog has not been following The X Factor this time round because, well let’s be honest, we have done all the cheap jokes in the past. Also the biggest X Factor joke this year is Jedward and nobody could possibly top that.

In consequence we have been missing out on the most searched keywords of the moment on UK search engines and our traffic has suffered. We had to get an X Factor post in but what could we write?

Fortunately lovely former pop poppet Sinitta, ex – girlfriends of Simon and now an X Factor insider came to our rescue this morning. She was on television this morning, all teeth and tits and showbusiness bonhomie, talking about the Jedward situation. Forget Afghanistan, climate change and all those other trivial issues, breakfast TV knows what the priorities are. The presenter asked what the job was with self proclaimed pop svengali Simon Cowell, after saying every week for yonks the Jedward boys were his worst nightmare he passed up his chance to give them the boot and put the final choice to the public vote.

He knew when he did that the loser on telephone votes would be pretty, talented Lucie.

Oh no he didn’t.

Oh yes he did...

It has become a pantomime.

And poor Sinitta backstage must have been thinking “Six shows from the end of the series and no sign of dick.” Someone should tell her Mr Cowell is never going to get back with her.

Perhaps she realises this because as the interviewers pressed on about Simon letting zero talents stay in the show and eliminating much better performers she said, “You have to understand Simon is a fifty – two year old man who loves Frank Sinatra.

FIFTY EFFING TWO I thought. Not so long ago the gutter press was full of stories about the party he was throwing to mark his fiftieth birthday. Ha! It was a better indiscretion than when Sharon Osbourne let slip that Simon wears personality lifts.

I bet his hair is dyed too.

Now we Boggart Bloggers have been accused of petty vindictiveness over the obvious delight we take in outing the rich and famous. “You lie about your age Ian and you dye your hair,” commenters will say with more relish than is really necessary. OK, I say I’m 39 but only in fun, if anyone asks I always admit I’m really 49. And Grecian 2000 isn’t hair dye, it restores the natural colour like it says on the bottle. In fact it is so good if you spill a bit it restores your natural hair colour to your shirt as well. The chemist who came up with the formula was a genius.

So we are not motivated by vindictiveness in outing Simon Cowell for fibbing about his age. We do however enjoy to an unhealthy degree reminding the world that the great pop svengali was responsible for the carers of Mr. Blobby and Robson & Jerome.

If that is not enough to vindicate us there is the question of Simon loving Frank Sinatra. What’s all that about eh? Andy Williams and Dean Martin were always better singers, Sinatra often went a tad flat. It’s safe for me to say that now, I don’t own any horses these days.

Good news for drinkers - the Waste and Resource Action Programme has estimated that Britons are pouring £470 million worth of wine down the plughole every year.

And we shouldn't be doing it!

It's bad for plugholes apparently. It can cause oxidisation of the metal, perishing of the plug and other rubber components, all the little bacteria pull their hoods up over their heads and start assaulting each other, throwing up and getting their knickers off in the middle of the main sewer.
Of course I'm being facetious. But what it does mean is that when we say we drink a bottle of wine, we don't actually drink a whole bottle, we drink 3/4 or 4/5 or some such, which means we are not quite the dissolute, cirrhosis ridden drunkards the government would have us believe.
And it's not only the bottles we don't finish off, apparently we frequently leave some in the glass too. So we don't have three glasses of wine, we only have 2 and a half.
So there we are, instead of worrying about our intake of units we can congratulate ourselves on our abstemiousness and toast ourselves with the dregs of last nights Beaujolais.
Bottoms Up!

Fancy a BJ? Not a blow job but a bat job. Bats are into oral sex it seems. According to natrualists who study bats for a living (well someone has to do it, more than two-thirds of female short-nosed (bet that's handy) fruit bats (Cynopterus sphinx) performed fellatio on their sexual partners, and that they were rewarded with longer bouts of intercourse as a result.

I'm saying nothing OK.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Following on from fatsally’s report a few weeks ago that the government planned to consult (cue portentous chords) “experts” about reforming the primary school curriculum we have now learned from our Whitehall worm that following the intervention of a group of leading biologists the blueprint for the new primary curriculum covering pupils aged 4 to 11 will include classes in evolutionary science.

It is well know scientists can be a tad obsessive about their subject (well OK, borderline autistic) but isn’t this pushing the evolution case a bit too far? Are primary school children ready for concepts like evolution and if not might its introduction at too young an age be counter productive? Darwin was 21 before he got into serious biology and it took him another twenty odd years before he got his head round the idea of evolution. And in his teens he was seriously into God. People can change so might it not be that teaching kids stuff in junior school will lead them to look at other ideas later?

And is there any point teaching something so complex to the unformed mind. We not most of the signatories of the evolution for infants petition are of the militant atheists. So why are they so keen to exploit the ideas of St. Ignatius Loyola, founder of the Jesuits. Give me the child to age seven and I will give you the man for life.” It might have worked in Iggy’s day when the Church controlled information but that was then, this is now and the internet is out there for everybody.

And what form will these lessons in evolutionary science take. Can you imagine asking your six year old “And what did you learn in school today?” and hearing the answer (in piping voice, “Well first teechur readed a story and that was nice, then we done some sums then we had playtime that’s my favourite lesson then we done some painting and crayoning and Charlie Boggis drawn a boat and then after dinner we done evolutionary science and that’s boring coz its about worms and frogs and teacher says dinosaurs never et cavemen and everyone knows they did coz they had big teeth…”

We Boggart Bloggers are all for evolution in fact the senior reporters have contributed to it but we still think pushing this kind of information at year three or four can only end in tears. Imagine how children so young will make sense of it.

“Now children, it’s time for our evolutionary science lesson. Last time we talked about how Chimpanzees and humans are descended from a common ancestor. It is very important to remember that. So Emma, where do chimpanzees come from?”

“Up a tree Miss.”

Johnny interrupts, “Mis, Miss, Miss…”

“Yes Johnny, what is it?”

“Dinosaurs eat Chimpanzees miss, I seen it in a cartoon.”

“No Johnny, dinosaurs do not eat chimpanzees, that is silly. Now Johnny as you seem to have a lot to say where do we humans come from?”

“He come from his house Miss, on the school bus this morning.”

“Thank you Emma, you all came from your houses this morning. Now Johnny, where do humans like you come from.”

“I come from my Mum’s front bottom Miss. I did coz I seen it on tele, this lady was on a bed with her feet in the air and she was swearing a lot bleeeep bleeep bleepettybleep and a baby head popped out of her front bottom.”

“Yes, very good Johnny but in evolutionary terms where do humans and Chimpanzees come from?”

“And the doctor said, “It’s a lovely little boy, and the lady’s partner said He ain’t mine you slapper he’s a ginge, there’s no ginger hair in my fambly or yours…”

“That’s enough Johnny. Anybody else, where do humans and chimpanzees start from? Yes Robbie?”

“My Dad said I got started in Benidorm Miss, I heered him telling Uncle Steve. But I never seen no chimpanzees in Benidorm when we was there last year.”

The militant atheist faction among the scientific community live in abject fear of creationism and that fear is responsible for prompting irrational and ill considered initiatives like this. My generation all had to sit through Religious Education in schools and we have made Britain the most irreligious nation in the world. In America laws governing separation of church and state forbid religious education in schools and the nation has become the hub of creationist thinking and Bible literalism. QED, leave things as they are and let children get into complex areas of science when they are ready.

Natural scepticism leads us to question and reject that which we are told is truth beyond questioning. Children are born sceptics. Ensure they are not indoctrinated and they will soon see fundamentalist religious thinking makes no sense at all. Start forcing fundamentalist science on them too soon and it will achieve the same end. I have always believed in evolution but it has never interested me much. I’m here because of it, but it was happening long, long before I was born and with a bit of luck will still be happening long, long after I am dead.

To be fair to some Americans I know, though they are members of creationist churches they will admit that maybe the Book of Genesis is a bit of an oversimplification but in the long run no matter what the origins of the Life, The Universe and Everything, it does not make a scrap of difference to our lives. We just have to muddle along through the chaos as best we can. How is the scientists irrational belief in logic, order and reason any crazier than the religionists belief in the divine?

When considering the views of scientists on education we should never forget science, like religion, can be learned by rote, only experience can impart wisdom.

You have all seen adverts for the new Hollywood film release Men Who Stare At Goats. Well no need to waste your money to find out what it is all about. Boggart Blog were on the case of this story way back in February 2007.

The post, which concerns the activities of the US Army Psychological Warfare Department (which The Pentagon claims does not exist but they would say that wouldn't they) and their efforts to exploit some crackpot hippie theories for military puroses. The post have moves to our archive now, find it under the title FORWARD PSYCHIC SOLDIERS.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Speaking on American television Google CEO pledged that his company would not become a creepy gang of world domination freaks like Microsoft did some years ago.

Asked by the interviewer how from their dominant position on the internet Google could avoid this Schmidt adopted a really bad Russian accent said, "So Mr Bond you zink vonce again you can thwart my plans to rule ze vorld..."

No he didn't, I made that up. What he really said was "In our case we see ourselves as a disruptor, and a disruptor because we are using new technology to solve real consumer problems, that in some cases people didn't even realize could be solved."

Solving consumers problems that the consumers don't even know they have maybe. Do we need Google to tell us what stuff we want to buy through their targeted adverts that rely on information gleaned from our eb searches? I think not. If most people find they need something they go down the shops and buy it. What we tend to buy on the inernet is stuff we never knew we needed until someone told us we needed it.

The advertizing industry exists by persuading us to buy stuff we don't need and Google are in the advertising business.

So how is gathering personal information about us in order to learn what kind of ads we are likely to respond to and then refusing to reveal what information they hold about individuals not creepy?

Well Mr. Schmidt?

On and what is the Corporate song? Don't tell me let me guess. Tomorrow Belongs To Me?

If you don't know the song from Cabaret or have forgotten the scene it features in, follow the link.

Edward Ates reaction on being pronunced guity of murder after his trial for for killing Paul Duncsak, was one of disbelief. Duncsak was shot six times at his home 25 miles north-west of New York.

The two man had a long running business dispute.

Ates's lawyers built their client's defence case on a "too fat to kill" arugment reminiscent of a Jerry Springer show guest who was unhappy that his claim for disability befefits on grounds of being "too fat to wipe" had been turned down. It was not so much Ates' 285 lb weight that his case hinged on but the fact that someone of his age and that heavy could not have made a quick getaway before police arrived to investigate the shots.

Ates had argued he did not have the energy to accurately shoot Duncsak from a perch on the staircase at Duncsak's home in August 2006.

It was a poor defence when we remember that the current World Heavyweight boxing champ weighs 300lb.

The prosecution presented forensic, computer and video evidence placing Ates at the scene of the crime and showed that his gun had beenn used in the murder. Witnesses also said the killer had "bounded up the stars" to Dunscak's apartment. His having driven from Florida to shoot his victim and them drove for 21 hours to his mothers home in Lousiana as well as bounding up the stairs threw sufficient doubt on his claims of immobility and lack of energy to allow the jury to reach a gulity verdict.

Assistant Prosecutor Wayne Mello termed Ates' defense "nonsense" and credited dogged work by investigators that built a circumstantial case around cell phone and credit card records, video evidence and forensics.

This case teaches the would be criminal a lot about how not to win a Boggart Blog stupid criminal of the week award. Use old fashioned coin operated public phones to call home, use cash rather than credit card for small purchases and lose some weight. Being fat does not excuse murder.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

We ought to have reached the point in the life of this Labour government when satirists and polemicists start to lay off them and turn our attention to The Conservatives who will surely sweep to power next may though given a little luck it will be with a small enough majority to allow minor parties to exercise a moderating influence. Labour are now in such a bad way that satirising their increasingly incompetent efforts is like trying to get laughs by kicking a corpse.

But even as we turn our guns on the equally inept and uninspiring Tories, Labour are such masochists they cannot resist setting themselves up for another pummelling.

The latest example of Labour’s love of being headbutted and simultaneously kicked in the bollocks is a crazy new law that prevents cigarettes being displayed in shops. The logic here is typical of the irrational thinking of the Politically Correct Thought Police, they think that seeing cigarettes and tobacco products displayed encourages people to smoke or at last to think of smoking as a normal activity.

This is pretty rich coming from the people whose Nanny state ticks us off for describing man / woman action that does not involve whips, locks and chains, marmite or underwear with spikes sewn in it as “normal sex,” that wags a disapproving finger when we talk of “normal” people who have jobs, drink alcohol in moderation, shun all but the prescription variety of drugs and relax with activities that do not involve throwing themselves off buildings, swimming in raw sewage or tattooing themselves with a pin and a bottle of Quink. We cannot describe Gordon Brown as “a mentalist” or even suggest someone who wears their underpants outside their trousers is two prawns short of a cocktail. Instead we must celebrate diversity and respect people’s right to be different.

But woe betide you if you want to be different by having a quick smoke. Unless it is Cannabis of course. The Cannabis question is just too complex for their contorted moralising.

Otherwise Labour’s Politically Correct Thought Police would rather you swam in raw sewage than smoked in the privacy of your own home and just as the Puritans of old would cover the legs of their pianos lest those knobbly wooden stanchions made young men think of a Lady’s slender ankle and thus become inflamed with lust and rape the piano, so seeing a packet of B & H or a bag of Golden Virginia will fill lifelong non smokers with an insatiable craving for tobacco.

The people who make Labour policy then have little contact with reality. Certainly less than the Conservatives who at least are honest enough to admit they are only interested in looking after Number 1 (and getting the moat cleaned at the taxpayers expense, less even than the Liberal Democrats who are so deluded they still think they have a chance of winning next year’s election but at least don’t think seeing a packet of ciggies will make anyone into a smoker.

So non – smokers, does seeing a shelf full of ciggies in your local shop or supermarket make you want to take up the dreaded weed? It doesn’t inspire me to smoke but I’m not normal… or rather to be politically correct, I am normal but having brain damage makes my normal different to everybody else’s. The only message a display of tobacco gives out is: “This shop sells cigarettes, if you want to buy some we can be of service.”

Do the pumps outside a petrol station turn drivers into speed freaks and Clarkson worshipping petrol heads? Does a pie shop make people obese? Are these great seducers too much for our weak minds to cope with or can we in fact think for ourselves more competently than the Nanny State can ever think for us?

Now we get to what is really annoying about Labour and their Politically Correct attitudes. It is their belief we are all dribbling simpletons. Thus they make the facile leap of logic to believing that if cigarettes are out of sight and thus are kept out of mind everyone will stop smoking. It is impossible to quantify how wrong this is and in how many ways it is wrong. One thing comes to mind though that demolishes the whole argument.

The Fag Drag.

We are not talking about a motorcade for gay and transvestite drivers here. Now that supermarkets regularly run beer and spirits as loss leaders few people feel the need to do a booze cruise but the Fag Drag is becoming more popular. I don’t know if the term is generally used, it has probably been banned in other parts of the country by the Thought Police but here, and you can call us old fashioned if you like possums, a faggot is a meatball known for inducing euphonious farting and a fag is a small stick of tobacco wrapped in paper. So The Fag Drag means going to a place where taxes are lower and dragging a load of ciggies and rolling tobacco back. These can be sold on at a reasonable profit and a hatchback can carry enough to make the trip worthwhile.

My son and other acquaintances who frequent pubs more shady than those I go into nowadays guess at least half the tobacco sold in town has never seen the cigarette shelf of a local shop.

There is a passage in the Terry Pratchett novel Making Money which describes perfectly why government attempts to micromanage human existence are ultimately doomed due to the resourcefulness of human beings at evading any attempts to restrict their ability to think for themselves. Making money also explains the financial crisis perfectly and there are more laughs than in a dry, academic tome.

To be able to predict the outcome of Labour’s war on tobacco we only have to look at the prohibition era in the United States when the outlawing of alcohol made organised crime that nation’s biggest industry.

Statuesque blonde Australian actress and sex symbol (if you like that sort of thing) Nicole Kidman has confessed in a celebrity interview with GQ magazine that in one of her love affairs she had explored “strange fetish stuff.” Though Kidman declined to identify which of her ex lovers was into “strange fetish stuff” she also mentioned that she had burned some of the diaries she kept while married to Hollywood sex thimble Tom Cruise. Cruise is a high ranking member of The Church of Scientology, a religious cult that requires its devotees to believe life was brought to earth by a race of aliens called The Thetans.

We are not suggesting that diminutive actor Tom Cruise is in any way freaky of course, how could we possibly know whether or not he liked to dress as an alien, suspend his slender, attractive wife by her wrists from a hook in he ceiling and lash her with a wet noodle. This is a responsible news blog, not one of those vile celebrity scandal sheets. Neither would we disparage The Church Of Scientology by suggesting they are an evil, mind – bending cult. They hate people referring to them like that so we won’t, OK.

What struck us as most odd about Nicole Kidman’s interview with GQ was that it ran under the headline, “Kidman still not playing by the rules.”

How can a celebrity doing a sex-laden confessional interview with a glossy magazine when she has a new book, film or product to promote ever possibly be described as “not playing by the rules.”

I mean how?

RELATED POSTS:
Bad Taste Treat

Where are Catesby and his co - conspirators when we need them? Where is our gunpowder plot this bonfire night? Not that I'd want the buggers to blow up The Palace of Westminster, it is a wonderful building. If somebody would just put a rocket up the arses of our patetic, self serving politicians it would help lift the national mood.

Fortunately we have the new Guido Fawkes, the not very anonymous blogger whose Order-order blog has put details a few very big scandals into the public domain. Nice the see Guido getting a big write up in The Guardian (Guido knows the power of gossip) yesterday, even though he does not demur from being described as an extreme right winger. Now that the mainstream press, Guardian included, have abandoned honest, objective journalism in favour of partisan drivel in support of certain agendas Guido is a shining beacon and an inspiration for all us bloggers.

An American friend sent me this list of some of her favourite items funded by money from the US Government's stimulus bill.

•$300,000 for a GPS-equipped helicopter to hunt for radioactive rabbit droppings at the Hanford nuclear reservation in Washington state.

•$30 million for a spring training baseball complex for the Arizona Diamondbacks and Colorado Rockies.

•$11 million for Microsoft to built a bridge connecting its two headquarter campuses in Redmond, Wash., which are separated by a highway.

•$430,000 to repair a bridge in Iowa County, Wis., that carries 10 or fewer cars per day.

•$800,000 for the John Murtha Airport in Johnstown, Pa., serving about 20 passengers per day, to built a backup runway.

•$219,000 for Syracuse University to study the sex lives of freshmen women.

•$2.3 million for the U.S. Forest Service to rear large numbers of arthropods, including the Asian longhorned beetle, the nun moth and the woolly adelgid.

•$3.4 million for a 13-foot tunnel for turtles and other wildlife attempting to cross U.S. 27 in Lake Jackson, Fla.

•$1.15 million to install a guardrail for a persistently dry lake bed in Guymon, Okla.

•$9.38 million to renovate a century-old train depot in Lancaster County, Pa., that has not been used for three decades.

•$2.5 million in stimulus checks sent to the deceased.

I can see the sense in the money sent to dead people (last item) given the boom in zombie movies this year there are a lot of jobs being created for zombies out there.

The roundup of radio active rabbits is more puzzling though. When the special helicopter locates them and the rabbit wranglers round them up what are the government going to do with them.

I know in WW2 the Germans had a plan to release exploding rabbits behind enemy lines but radio active ones would glow in the dark and give themselves away.

Perhaps the rabbits are linked to the grant to study the sex lives of female students at Syracuse University. Do you think the radioactivity might make the rabbits rampant?

RELATED RODENT (AND OTHER ANIMAL)POSTS
Squirrel Terror Squad
Spiritual Squirrels
Finnish Your Treat
Pets Can Light Up Your Life
Rat Arsed Badger
Pissed As A Moose

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

It is with great pleasure we announce the return of the Boggart Blog stupid criminal of the week award.

In the early days of Boggart Blog we would feature this occasional series whenever we encountered a news story about a really stupid criminal. Somehow the idea was abandoned, perhaps because every intelligent criminal is unique in heir cleverness but all stupid criminals are stupid in the same way. That sort of thing tends to kill the joke. Or maybe it became necessary to have a higher education qualification to start a career in crime.

The first award in this fresh cycle goes to Laqad Yacoub (40) of Manchester who had been claiming disability benefits for several years citing back and leg problems as the reason he could not work.

The suspicions of Benefits Agency staff were aroused when somebody bearing the same name as and a very close physical resemblance to professional cripple Yacoub, whose severe disability benefit was awarded because he had difficulty walking even a short distance, was billed to appear in a music gig at Manchester Town Hall.

Investigators who attended the show discovered Yacoub had been moonlighting as a breakdancer for years.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Well Professor Nutt certainly kicked things off with his claim that drugs like E, Cannabis and LSD are no more dangerous that alcohol and tobacco. While we agree with the Prof, you must bear in mind we Boggart Bloggers have known more people who died of booze and smoking related problems than trendier drugs.

Having said that one cannot help feeling that by running to the sensationalist tabloids with his findings Prof. Nutt was playing the celebrity game and trying to get himself on tele before government ministers stymied the findings of his reasearch.

What next? A TV show called Britain's Got Science?

RELATED POSTS:
The Divine Right Of Kings And The Divine Right Of Scientists.

E versus J&B

I know we say this quite frequently but where would this blog be without those whacky folks who feed us material by doing pointless research. The latest finding, announced by the appropriately named Professor Nutt, shows that drugs like ecstasy and cannabis are no more dangerous than legal drugs like alcohol.
Now you may think we are unfair to Prof. Nutt as his research is very sensible but we think only someone who is totally bonkers in the head would risk his career by revealing that while a government of Labour control freaks is in power.
As a service to readers who may be confused by conflicting advice from Prof Nutt and the Governments advice that all things which might possibly put us at risk of enjoying ourselves are socially unacceptable, Boggart Blog has devised a survey to help you make up your own mind .

Look at each of these pairings of songs and decide which is more likely to make you want to throw yourself under a train (they are all real records BTW)

(1)
Eberneezer Good by the Shamen
Little Old Wine Drinker Me by Dean Martin

(2)
Tequila Sunrise by The Eagles
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles

(3)
Demon Alcohol by Ozzy Osbourne
Cocaine by Eric Clapton

(4)
Whiskey In The Jar by Thin Lizzie
Golden Brown by The Stranglers

(5)
Marijuana Cigarette by Cat Mother And The All Night Newsboys
Drink Up Thy Cider by Adge Cutler And The Wurzels

(6)
One Bourbon, one scotch, one beer by John Lee Hooker
Mr. Brownstone by Guns n Roses

(7)
Tequila by The Champs
The Needle And The Damage Done by Neil Young

(8)
Heroin by Velvet Underground
Margarita Time by Status Quo

(9)
Mother’s Little Helper by The Rolling Stones
Beer by Psychostick

(10)
Too Drunk To Fuck by The Dead Kennedys
Cold Turkey by John Lennon

Now tot up your answers. If it is mostly drug related songs that make you feel suicidal you are probably better off sticking to a couple of beers or glasses of wine or a few shots. If on the other hand the songs about drink make life seem no longer worth living you will probably be happier in the crack house than the pub.

RELATED POSTS:
Never Mix Science And Politcs
Childhood Drinking Put Us On The Slippery Slope
Inspirational Old Queen

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

THE DAILY STIRRER
and don't forget all the other Greenteeth Multi Media pages...
Greenteeth Multi Media
bogboggart
Greenteeth Comedy Pages
A Tale Told By An Idiot
Ian at Authorsden

Saddest news story of the week concerns the unfortunate death of Canadian folk singer Taylor Mitchell. 19 year old Taylor died just after embarking on a a tour of eastern Canada promoting her first album.

The bizarre death was the result of the young singer being attacked by a wily Coyote as she took a walk alone through woodland.

Eye witness reports say the creature killed Taylor by blowing her up with a stick of Acme dynamite while hunting a small bird.

BEEP BEEP.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Came across a headline in The Times today:

METHANE DAMAGES THE PLANET MORE THAN THOUGHT.

Well of course it does. I know some people have shit for brains but brains can't fart.

What a headline!!! Worth 3 exclamation marks. Well every now and them we Boggart Bloggers like to show up the Tabloid headline writers for the rank amateurs they really are.

So as this story is not going to concern hot celebrity head action what is it about? you might well ask.

We hear on the rumourmill that raunchyish chick lit writer Kathy Lette (50) was booked to give out polos at a horsey event, sorry, I mean give out prizes at a polo match.

Because certain young Royals were taking part feminist Ms Lette was given advice on what would constitute appropriate behaviour. Not much point giving an Australiam advice on good manners some less kind than us may be thinking, but there we go.

Sure enough, the Princling won man of the match or divot of the day (a divot is a posh clod BTW.) Surprise surprise.

As Prince William stepped up to receive the prize Lette, little Aussie minx that she is, said "I'm told I have to kiss you, d'you want the tongue?"

"Later maybe," the Prince shot back. Which proves he isn't writing his own scripts these days.

RELATED POSTS:
An Inspirational Old Queen
Ascot Follies
The Queen's Birthday

More humour every day at Boggart Blog
And to make up for the disappointment of a sexy headline with a daft story and as it is almost halloween why not look in at our fiction site and enjoy some supernatural erotica, Season Of The Witch a story that has the alternate title Lesbian Witches Go Mad In Lancashire

Just popped into the garage/shop at the end of the road for a bottle of wine and there was a man filling up his Beemer, registration plate:

R1CH.T

Must be an economist, he obviously didn't think that one through

Lord Stern of Brentford, who is quite possibly a climate change czar, or at the very least a marquise, called yesterday for everyone in the world to cut out meat in an effort to save the planet.
Ring any bells with Chairman mao's diktat, that in order to increase food production they would have to stop the birds eating the crops.
Millions of Chinese peasants dutifully mobilised themselves, banging tins, sticks, utensils and tools together thus scaring the birds and preventing them fom landing.
The birds were kept airborne until they literally dropped from exhaustion.
The crops had been saved!
That is until a plague of locusts, that would normally have been eaten by the birds, turned up and destroyed most of the crops, much more than the birds ever would have done.