Boggartblog

The dark forces of football oligarchy are ganging up on little Chester City but it looks like one rule for the minnows, another for the big clubs. The FA have ordered Stephen Vaughan, Chester’s owner and main financial prop to sell his shareholding because he is not a “fit and proper person” to be involved in running a football club.

Considering some of the people who have owned and run football clubs, Ken Bates, Fat Stan Flashman, the former Thai Prime Minister who bought Man. City while awaiting trial for every crime on the statute book, Alan Sugar and a soft porn millionaire to name but a few, you might well ask “What has Vaughan does that is so terrible?”

Apart from owning a small club with no clout he has only been involved in a VAT fraud. Hasn’t everyone? Yes but not everyone got caught. Perhaps that is the problem, anybody who is not smart and slippery enough to outwit the VATman cannot possibly be allowed to run a football club.

Meanwhile, up in the Premier League the Football Thought police have no such problem. They cannot charge the owner of Birmingham City with not being a fit and proper person because they cannot find out who really owns the club. Officially the owner is the geezerish sounding Carson Yeung but it seems Mr. Yeung is only a front man. Due to the opacity of Birmingham’s financial structure nobody can see who is behind him. The major shareholders are two companies whose registered offices are adjacent pigeon holes in a mail drop n the British Virgin Islands.

As the companies do not appear to have any assets other than Birmingham City, no discernible business activities and no turnover or financial dealings the Birmingham situation makes Steve Vaughan’s little VAT scam look innocuous. But then Chester are an easier bite for a toothless watchdog.

If we think of all the scandals that have tainted football however this prim approach to trivial misdemeanours looks even more out of place.

Manchester United are the biggest but not the only Premier League side bought with their own money, the Galser family putting up nothing except their acquaintance with some dodgy financiers.

The Carlos Tevez transfer saga in which it finally emerged Tevez was owned by a sports agency who theoretically could peddle his services to the highest bidder on a week by week basis.

The outrageous relegation of Sheffield United when West Ham should have been thrown out of the league for their involvement in the Tevez affair.
Those are big ones but don't forget the ever changing strip scams, big match ticket marketing, roasting, alleged match fixing, bungs to referees to facilitate bouts of temporary blindness during Hand Of God related incidents and the general financial dodginess of most clubs. If the laws governing commerce were applied the majority of teams would be compulsorily wound up as they are insolvent. In view of all that you just have to wonder who would be considered a fit and proper person to run a club? The Kray Twins, Bernie Madoff, Ronnie Biggs, Jeffery Archer, Don Vito Berlusconi, Robert Mugabe, Hazel Blears?

The Queen’s Speech by convention, wile setting out the government’s programme is not about party politics nor is it supposed to be about a failing government shafting the opposition that will soon replace them by making it impossible for the new lot to deal with certain long standing problems.

In The Queen’s Speech yesterday the government announced plans to bring in laws that bind the next government to certain targets in reducing child poverty, getting government spending under control and cutting the deficit, providing home care for many elderly people who cannot cope alone, legally obliging the education ministry to raise standards in schools (although Labour have always denied they have dumbed down school standards) and doing something about climate change, avian swine flu, Jedward, unemployment, feeding the world, abolishing disease and being nice to small furry animals.

To the logically minded all this might seem valid as it would also commit Labour, should they win to doing these good and worthy things. Gordon Brown and his cunning cohorts hope people will be wrong footed into thinking that if Labour are prepared to legally commit themselves to these things they must be confident of their ability to achieve them.

The more suspicious minded types (your Boggart Bloggers for example) recognise this move as pure politics and an indication that Labour have given up any hope of winning the election and are working on making bombs to throw at the next government.

The Boggart Blog resident Bookie says get down to Ladbrokes, have a big bet on the Tories while bookies are still offering a price and cover yourselves with a small saver on a hung Parliament. With a non tryer in a three horse race you can’t lose.

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It is well known that every year HM The Queen writes her own speech for the state opening of parliament and that every year The Government goes to great lengths to ensure the draft is lost and Queenie has to read the speech prepared for her by the Prime Minister.

So here, exclusive to Boggart Blog is The Real Queens Speech.

MY LORDS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HONOURABLE MEMBERS, LET'S HAVE THE BEST OF ORDER NOW FOR DAME VERA LYNN, SORRY I MEAN THE QUEEN.

Loyal subjects, mai Government and Ay hev pleasure in in annincing our plans for the coming year.

Do you knay subject and lackeys, evereah yeah I hev to say all this shite about policies and plans? who writes this nonsense. Renewable energeagh, tax cuts, its the same evereagh yeah and nothing changes. If this is mai Government like what it is supposed to be, I'm heving mai ideas made law. I want something done abite the ban on fox hunting. And I don’t want that miserable fakker Brine as Prime Ministair anaygh mare, I quaite liked Bleagh, his ears were rartheagh amusing, they took on a life of their own when he became excited. But Brine is miserable, he hates Corgis and his wife does not hev a comedy mithe.

Nigh Ay’m the Queen and ay do not care for the way things are being done. Fairstleah, Ay want a proper Prime Ministair who owns a Grise Moor. We have not had a grice moor owning Prime Ministair since Lord Hume. It was traditional then that after ay got this poxy Queen’s Speech business ovair with, it's the only part of the job which I realleagh hate, once it was ite of the way highever the Prime Ministair would invite one’s husband and one to his grise moor for a few days shooting. It made all this worthwhile. Young Cameron has potential and he looks laike the right sort of fellow, I imagine somebody in his famileagh owns a grise moor. So in the coming year mai government will introduce a law banning anybodaigh who does not own a grise moor from becoming Prime Ministair. Then Ay shall sack all you commoners and hold an election in which the boy Cameron and his chums have all the votes.

Once we hev a Prime Ministair who owns a grise moor my government will repeal the legislation that bans foxhunting. Its jolly undemocratic you know, not one of my family agreed with it so how did it become law. Where is the democrasay in thet? I know a lot of you think foxes are rather cute and cuddly, so from consideration for your feelings we tried hunting chavs but they are neither so quick nor cunning as foxes. Nobody complained but it was just not the same.

Finally, we shall encourage servility. Now that the service industry is the largest source of employment again it is time the pooah we reminded of their obligation to be servile. Forelock tugging will be de-rigeur and talking back to one’s betters will be a capital offence. We shall also revive for Corporate CEOs the Droit de Siegneur, Primae Noctis. The CEO of aneagh corporation worth more than ten billion pinds will hev the right to deflower any attractive totty to join his organisation on the evening of the day she starts work. Our entrepreneurs must be given incentives if the nation is to prospair.

Raight, that’s it, you can all fack orf, I’m gaying hame to watch Helen Mirren playing one. I do believe jug Ears is trying to bump one orf and I think he is planning to use Miss Mirren as a cover for the fact that ay am propping up a towerblock in a regeneration area. Litle Barstard, I wouldn't put anything parst him these days.

I'm an unlikely Daily Mail reader but this link, sent to me by a mate who knows how much Boggart Blog loves pointless research stories, pricked my curiosity. It will take you to an item that claims a "scientific" study has revealed that a woman should show 40% of her flesh if she wants to cop off.

The scientists led by psychologist (well that explains a lot) Colin Hendrie who was not once a central defender for Blackburn Rovers, kindly provide a picture (link below) of lovely Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher to illustrate what a lady showing 40% of her flesh looks like. Except they don't always look like that.

Now I have considerable experience of getting up close and personal with women's bodies and the bare skin in the picture does not look like 40% per cent to me. Bearing in mind that womens' legs are not straight all the way up like chopsticks and other bits with curved surfaces have to be taken into account, I'd say 25% was nearer the mark.

That is irrelevant however, my own unscientific but quite successful research suggests Ms. Hatcher could wear a boiler suit and still pull. All it usually takes is for a woman with two of everything she should have two of (and that is not a strict requirement) to show a bit of interest and us lads are hooked. We're very shallow.

The research does prove one thing. Give research scientists a budget and there is an 85% likelyhood they will find some utterly pointless way to spend it.

Read The Full Story:

Oh Dear, it seems we can't get away from Jedward, the tone deaf duo comprised entirely of identical twins.

Not to be outdone Boggartblog has secretly been grooming its own tone deaf duo to storm the televised karaoke hour every Saturday night.
And if Simon Cowell thinks Jedward are bad just wait until he hears FLEO.

This unusual combination of identical Aunt and Niece are so tone deaf that even the local tom cats stick their paws in their ears and start throwing boots when the girls start to sing.
And just like Jedward, Fleo thinks they sound pretty good.
Snowboarding Cleo and waterbaby Fatsally are the epitome of elegance in their chosen areas, however up on stage, they gyrate grotesquely to the random beat that booms inside their heads, a random beat that is completely different to anything the other one might hear.

However there could be stiff competition in the guise of Gorward, a combination of Gordon Brown and Ed Milliband, who are not only tone deaf, but completely out of sync with one another and never sing from the same songsheet.
(Please feel free to substitute any member of the cabinet alongside the Gor, you'll get the same results every time.)

Also making an appearance will be Arsenal, the single entity created by uniting Arsenal's Arsene Wenger with ManUtd's Alex Fergusson.
The smooth Frenchmans dulcet tone are counterpointed beautifully by Sir Alex's grating Glaswegian Gorbals.
Nevermind the musical ability or singing from the same songsheet, these two don't even speak the same language, and both would happily dance on stage - as long as it was on the other's grave.

Looking around American blogs today I see there is a kerfuffle about President O's deep bow to the Emperor Of Japan. Typically the Politically Correct Thought Police are defending Obama. "What is wrong with showing respect for another nation's customs," they ask. Except a bow that deep would only be appropriate from a very low ranking Japanese to a highly ranked one.

As for respecting Japanese customs should Barry not first have respected the international protocol that heads of state do not bow to each other. Servants bow to Lords.

But at least it is not as bad as when O met the Kind Of Saudi Arabia. It is rumoured the US President not only bowed and genuflected (a total no-no) but kissed King Abdullah's ring too. Perhaps we should start calling Obama President Rimmer.

No wonder Americans are pissed off. The President of "The Land Of The Free" is running round the world acting like a flunky - except to our dear old Queen of course - her groped her.

We have just heard from the BNP Annual conference in (ta-ta-tada-ta-taaa) Wigan that BNP leaders will stand in the forthcoming general election as a candidate for BARKING.

'Nuff said?

(BBC News Report)

To avoid misunderstanding the title is not a new Bond film or a character from tonight's (eagerly anticipated) Doctor Who adventure.

Octomum, or Octomom as she is American is the Latina woman who had Octuplets by IVF last year. Eight children in one go, and her a single mother. The story was featured in a documentary over the weekend. She says she did it because she loves kids. This could well be true as she already had six (and not a hubby or an ex in sight.)

Her decision to have six fertilized emryos implanted at once (two divided into twins) was nothing to do with the fact that the celebrity (notoriety) the multipe births brought her would guarantee a good income for many years.

Boggart Blog is not so concerned with that however as the traffic situation in her birth canal. It must be like Oxford Street on a Saturday afternoon up there.

The other day Boggartblog brought you the news that we're just not drinking enough, tipping the unfinished bottle down the sink wastes an incredible amount of the old Mucho Collapso and so we should all ensure that we drink every last drop, a practice Boggartblog has advocated for years.

But things just keep getting better.

In a report drafted by the Science Advisory Commitee on Nutrition, the scientists advising the government suggest that the daily calorie allowance, currently 2000 for women and 2500 for men, used for the past 18 years as the basis for healthy eating plans, could be upped by as much as 16%.
That's at least a Mars a day for everyone.

Nanny Government however is not best chuffed to put it mildly. They rather deludedly think that this report may cause confusion amongst consumers and lead people to ignore government advice.

Hello-o?
I've never heard anybody with a weight problem blame confusion for it and as for heeding government advice, does anybody do that, ever?

More interestingly Boggartblog wonders whether this is the start of an uprising.
First of all the Nutty Professor tells us horse-riding is more dangerous than taking ecstacy, then compounds his uppitiness by suggesting that alcohol and tobacco should be classified as more dangerous than weed.

Then we have the waste resource people telling us not to waste the wine.

Now we have another advisory body telling us that the governments figures for healthy eating are a load of bollocks.

Whatever next, a H&S elf pointing out that everybody wearing hi-vis jackets negates the effectiveness of just a few wearing hi-vis jackets?

A doctor suggesting that in the majority of cases swine flu is just flu, and you will get over it?

A climate change guru refusing to go to Copenhagen on the grounds that getting all those bigwigs over there for a jolly creates an unacceptable carbon footprint.

Bring It On says Boggartblog - with a deep fried Mars bar, a pint of Bordeaux and some of that wacky baccy.

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The government of control freaks are keeping up their fear and panic campaign to turns us all into gibbering wrecks who cower in fear of swine flu. Boggart Blog has always said this scare is simply about making money for drugs manufacturers. Well now we can prove it.

Take a look at the picture below of some Swine Flu germs.

They look like mince pies don't they? And the medical authorities try to tell us it is not a seasonal disease. What could be more seasonal than mince pies.

Boggart Blog says stop worrying about Swine Flu or H1N1 as we are now supposed to say to distinguish it from Avian Swine Flu (if you know what I mean). It might make you put on a few pounds but who doesn't in December.

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Boggart Blog makes it our business to invigilate the progressive education lobby for sings of loonyness. An we have to be honest, they keep us busy.

One of the most crackpot ideas to come out of the academic clique that supervises the dumbing down of standard was the recruitment of a marking computer to assess A level papers.

On being given samples of writing by great authors including Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Ernest Hemingway and John Donne the computer failed them all, dismissing John Donne's line "No man is an island." as incomprehensible.

A very atmospheric passage from Dickens was branded too repetitive as was a transcript of Churchills "Fight them on the beaches" speech.

Extracts from William Goldings "Lord Of The Flies" and Anthony Burgess' "A Clockwork Orange" were described respectively as "erratic" and "bizarre."

Apart from being pedantic the marking computer cannot cope with metaphor, colloquialism or handle stylistic variation. All of which shows that despite the lurid fantasies of computer scientists Artificial Intelligence is as far away as Intergalactic Travel.

It is nicely ironic that in an education system designed, it is claimed, to encourage creativity, creativity is frowned on. The system sems to be giving out the message, "You will be creative, but only as creative as we allow you to be."

Once again we see the underlying ideal of progressive education is control freakery.

Just as a final, satisfying, nail in the coffin of the computerized exam marker in its appraisal of Chuchill's speech it corrects the use of "might of" in the phrase "might of the German Army," advising the author it was an incorrect way of writing "might have" when in fact it is an abstract noun and perfectly correct. So did Churchill pass his A level?

Computer says No.

Read about the computerized exam marker at The Times

Boggart Blog has not been following The X Factor this time round because, well let’s be honest, we have done all the cheap jokes in the past. Also the biggest X Factor joke this year is Jedward and nobody could possibly top that.

In consequence we have been missing out on the most searched keywords of the moment on UK search engines and our traffic has suffered. We had to get an X Factor post in but what could we write?

Fortunately lovely former pop poppet Sinitta, ex – girlfriends of Simon and now an X Factor insider came to our rescue this morning. She was on television this morning, all teeth and tits and showbusiness bonhomie, talking about the Jedward situation. Forget Afghanistan, climate change and all those other trivial issues, breakfast TV knows what the priorities are. The presenter asked what the job was with self proclaimed pop svengali Simon Cowell, after saying every week for yonks the Jedward boys were his worst nightmare he passed up his chance to give them the boot and put the final choice to the public vote.

He knew when he did that the loser on telephone votes would be pretty, talented Lucie.

Oh no he didn’t.

Oh yes he did...

It has become a pantomime.

And poor Sinitta backstage must have been thinking “Six shows from the end of the series and no sign of dick.” Someone should tell her Mr Cowell is never going to get back with her.

Perhaps she realises this because as the interviewers pressed on about Simon letting zero talents stay in the show and eliminating much better performers she said, “You have to understand Simon is a fifty – two year old man who loves Frank Sinatra.

FIFTY EFFING TWO I thought. Not so long ago the gutter press was full of stories about the party he was throwing to mark his fiftieth birthday. Ha! It was a better indiscretion than when Sharon Osbourne let slip that Simon wears personality lifts.

I bet his hair is dyed too.

Now we Boggart Bloggers have been accused of petty vindictiveness over the obvious delight we take in outing the rich and famous. “You lie about your age Ian and you dye your hair,” commenters will say with more relish than is really necessary. OK, I say I’m 39 but only in fun, if anyone asks I always admit I’m really 49. And Grecian 2000 isn’t hair dye, it restores the natural colour like it says on the bottle. In fact it is so good if you spill a bit it restores your natural hair colour to your shirt as well. The chemist who came up with the formula was a genius.

So we are not motivated by vindictiveness in outing Simon Cowell for fibbing about his age. We do however enjoy to an unhealthy degree reminding the world that the great pop svengali was responsible for the carers of Mr. Blobby and Robson & Jerome.

If that is not enough to vindicate us there is the question of Simon loving Frank Sinatra. What’s all that about eh? Andy Williams and Dean Martin were always better singers, Sinatra often went a tad flat. It’s safe for me to say that now, I don’t own any horses these days.

Good news for drinkers - the Waste and Resource Action Programme has estimated that Britons are pouring £470 million worth of wine down the plughole every year.

And we shouldn't be doing it!

It's bad for plugholes apparently. It can cause oxidisation of the metal, perishing of the plug and other rubber components, all the little bacteria pull their hoods up over their heads and start assaulting each other, throwing up and getting their knickers off in the middle of the main sewer.
Of course I'm being facetious. But what it does mean is that when we say we drink a bottle of wine, we don't actually drink a whole bottle, we drink 3/4 or 4/5 or some such, which means we are not quite the dissolute, cirrhosis ridden drunkards the government would have us believe.
And it's not only the bottles we don't finish off, apparently we frequently leave some in the glass too. So we don't have three glasses of wine, we only have 2 and a half.
So there we are, instead of worrying about our intake of units we can congratulate ourselves on our abstemiousness and toast ourselves with the dregs of last nights Beaujolais.
Bottoms Up!

Fancy a BJ? Not a blow job but a bat job. Bats are into oral sex it seems. According to natrualists who study bats for a living (well someone has to do it, more than two-thirds of female short-nosed (bet that's handy) fruit bats (Cynopterus sphinx) performed fellatio on their sexual partners, and that they were rewarded with longer bouts of intercourse as a result.

I'm saying nothing OK.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Following on from fatsally’s report a few weeks ago that the government planned to consult (cue portentous chords) “experts” about reforming the primary school curriculum we have now learned from our Whitehall worm that following the intervention of a group of leading biologists the blueprint for the new primary curriculum covering pupils aged 4 to 11 will include classes in evolutionary science.

It is well know scientists can be a tad obsessive about their subject (well OK, borderline autistic) but isn’t this pushing the evolution case a bit too far? Are primary school children ready for concepts like evolution and if not might its introduction at too young an age be counter productive? Darwin was 21 before he got into serious biology and it took him another twenty odd years before he got his head round the idea of evolution. And in his teens he was seriously into God. People can change so might it not be that teaching kids stuff in junior school will lead them to look at other ideas later?

And is there any point teaching something so complex to the unformed mind. We not most of the signatories of the evolution for infants petition are of the militant atheists. So why are they so keen to exploit the ideas of St. Ignatius Loyola, founder of the Jesuits. Give me the child to age seven and I will give you the man for life.” It might have worked in Iggy’s day when the Church controlled information but that was then, this is now and the internet is out there for everybody.

And what form will these lessons in evolutionary science take. Can you imagine asking your six year old “And what did you learn in school today?” and hearing the answer (in piping voice, “Well first teechur readed a story and that was nice, then we done some sums then we had playtime that’s my favourite lesson then we done some painting and crayoning and Charlie Boggis drawn a boat and then after dinner we done evolutionary science and that’s boring coz its about worms and frogs and teacher says dinosaurs never et cavemen and everyone knows they did coz they had big teeth…”

We Boggart Bloggers are all for evolution in fact the senior reporters have contributed to it but we still think pushing this kind of information at year three or four can only end in tears. Imagine how children so young will make sense of it.

“Now children, it’s time for our evolutionary science lesson. Last time we talked about how Chimpanzees and humans are descended from a common ancestor. It is very important to remember that. So Emma, where do chimpanzees come from?”

“Up a tree Miss.”

Johnny interrupts, “Mis, Miss, Miss…”

“Yes Johnny, what is it?”

“Dinosaurs eat Chimpanzees miss, I seen it in a cartoon.”

“No Johnny, dinosaurs do not eat chimpanzees, that is silly. Now Johnny as you seem to have a lot to say where do we humans come from?”

“He come from his house Miss, on the school bus this morning.”

“Thank you Emma, you all came from your houses this morning. Now Johnny, where do humans like you come from.”

“I come from my Mum’s front bottom Miss. I did coz I seen it on tele, this lady was on a bed with her feet in the air and she was swearing a lot bleeeep bleeep bleepettybleep and a baby head popped out of her front bottom.”

“Yes, very good Johnny but in evolutionary terms where do humans and Chimpanzees come from?”

“And the doctor said, “It’s a lovely little boy, and the lady’s partner said He ain’t mine you slapper he’s a ginge, there’s no ginger hair in my fambly or yours…”

“That’s enough Johnny. Anybody else, where do humans and chimpanzees start from? Yes Robbie?”

“My Dad said I got started in Benidorm Miss, I heered him telling Uncle Steve. But I never seen no chimpanzees in Benidorm when we was there last year.”

The militant atheist faction among the scientific community live in abject fear of creationism and that fear is responsible for prompting irrational and ill considered initiatives like this. My generation all had to sit through Religious Education in schools and we have made Britain the most irreligious nation in the world. In America laws governing separation of church and state forbid religious education in schools and the nation has become the hub of creationist thinking and Bible literalism. QED, leave things as they are and let children get into complex areas of science when they are ready.

Natural scepticism leads us to question and reject that which we are told is truth beyond questioning. Children are born sceptics. Ensure they are not indoctrinated and they will soon see fundamentalist religious thinking makes no sense at all. Start forcing fundamentalist science on them too soon and it will achieve the same end. I have always believed in evolution but it has never interested me much. I’m here because of it, but it was happening long, long before I was born and with a bit of luck will still be happening long, long after I am dead.

To be fair to some Americans I know, though they are members of creationist churches they will admit that maybe the Book of Genesis is a bit of an oversimplification but in the long run no matter what the origins of the Life, The Universe and Everything, it does not make a scrap of difference to our lives. We just have to muddle along through the chaos as best we can. How is the scientists irrational belief in logic, order and reason any crazier than the religionists belief in the divine?

When considering the views of scientists on education we should never forget science, like religion, can be learned by rote, only experience can impart wisdom.

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You have all seen adverts for the new Hollywood film release Men Who Stare At Goats. Well no need to waste your money to find out what it is all about. Boggart Blog were on the case of this story way back in February 2007.

The post, which concerns the activities of the US Army Psychological Warfare Department (which The Pentagon claims does not exist but they would say that wouldn't they) and their efforts to exploit some crackpot hippie theories for military puroses. The post have moves to our archive now, find it under the title FORWARD PSYCHIC SOLDIERS.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Speaking on American television Google CEO pledged that his company would not become a creepy gang of world domination freaks like Microsoft did some years ago.

Asked by the interviewer how from their dominant position on the internet Google could avoid this Schmidt adopted a really bad Russian accent said, "So Mr Bond you zink vonce again you can thwart my plans to rule ze vorld..."

No he didn't, I made that up. What he really said was "In our case we see ourselves as a disruptor, and a disruptor because we are using new technology to solve real consumer problems, that in some cases people didn't even realize could be solved."

Solving consumers problems that the consumers don't even know they have maybe. Do we need Google to tell us what stuff we want to buy through their targeted adverts that rely on information gleaned from our eb searches? I think not. If most people find they need something they go down the shops and buy it. What we tend to buy on the inernet is stuff we never knew we needed until someone told us we needed it.

The advertizing industry exists by persuading us to buy stuff we don't need and Google are in the advertising business.

So how is gathering personal information about us in order to learn what kind of ads we are likely to respond to and then refusing to reveal what information they hold about individuals not creepy?

Well Mr. Schmidt?

On and what is the Corporate song? Don't tell me let me guess. Tomorrow Belongs To Me?

If you don't know the song from Cabaret or have forgotten the scene it features in, follow the link.

Edward Ates reaction on being pronunced guity of murder after his trial for for killing Paul Duncsak, was one of disbelief. Duncsak was shot six times at his home 25 miles north-west of New York.

The two man had a long running business dispute.

Ates's lawyers built their client's defence case on a "too fat to kill" arugment reminiscent of a Jerry Springer show guest who was unhappy that his claim for disability befefits on grounds of being "too fat to wipe" had been turned down. It was not so much Ates' 285 lb weight that his case hinged on but the fact that someone of his age and that heavy could not have made a quick getaway before police arrived to investigate the shots.

Ates had argued he did not have the energy to accurately shoot Duncsak from a perch on the staircase at Duncsak's home in August 2006.

It was a poor defence when we remember that the current World Heavyweight boxing champ weighs 300lb.

The prosecution presented forensic, computer and video evidence placing Ates at the scene of the crime and showed that his gun had beenn used in the murder. Witnesses also said the killer had "bounded up the stars" to Dunscak's apartment. His having driven from Florida to shoot his victim and them drove for 21 hours to his mothers home in Lousiana as well as bounding up the stairs threw sufficient doubt on his claims of immobility and lack of energy to allow the jury to reach a gulity verdict.

Assistant Prosecutor Wayne Mello termed Ates' defense "nonsense" and credited dogged work by investigators that built a circumstantial case around cell phone and credit card records, video evidence and forensics.

This case teaches the would be criminal a lot about how not to win a Boggart Blog stupid criminal of the week award. Use old fashioned coin operated public phones to call home, use cash rather than credit card for small purchases and lose some weight. Being fat does not excuse murder.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

We ought to have reached the point in the life of this Labour government when satirists and polemicists start to lay off them and turn our attention to The Conservatives who will surely sweep to power next may though given a little luck it will be with a small enough majority to allow minor parties to exercise a moderating influence. Labour are now in such a bad way that satirising their increasingly incompetent efforts is like trying to get laughs by kicking a corpse.

But even as we turn our guns on the equally inept and uninspiring Tories, Labour are such masochists they cannot resist setting themselves up for another pummelling.

The latest example of Labour’s love of being headbutted and simultaneously kicked in the bollocks is a crazy new law that prevents cigarettes being displayed in shops. The logic here is typical of the irrational thinking of the Politically Correct Thought Police, they think that seeing cigarettes and tobacco products displayed encourages people to smoke or at last to think of smoking as a normal activity.

This is pretty rich coming from the people whose Nanny state ticks us off for describing man / woman action that does not involve whips, locks and chains, marmite or underwear with spikes sewn in it as “normal sex,” that wags a disapproving finger when we talk of “normal” people who have jobs, drink alcohol in moderation, shun all but the prescription variety of drugs and relax with activities that do not involve throwing themselves off buildings, swimming in raw sewage or tattooing themselves with a pin and a bottle of Quink. We cannot describe Gordon Brown as “a mentalist” or even suggest someone who wears their underpants outside their trousers is two prawns short of a cocktail. Instead we must celebrate diversity and respect people’s right to be different.

But woe betide you if you want to be different by having a quick smoke. Unless it is Cannabis of course. The Cannabis question is just too complex for their contorted moralising.

Otherwise Labour’s Politically Correct Thought Police would rather you swam in raw sewage than smoked in the privacy of your own home and just as the Puritans of old would cover the legs of their pianos lest those knobbly wooden stanchions made young men think of a Lady’s slender ankle and thus become inflamed with lust and rape the piano, so seeing a packet of B & H or a bag of Golden Virginia will fill lifelong non smokers with an insatiable craving for tobacco.

The people who make Labour policy then have little contact with reality. Certainly less than the Conservatives who at least are honest enough to admit they are only interested in looking after Number 1 (and getting the moat cleaned at the taxpayers expense, less even than the Liberal Democrats who are so deluded they still think they have a chance of winning next year’s election but at least don’t think seeing a packet of ciggies will make anyone into a smoker.

So non – smokers, does seeing a shelf full of ciggies in your local shop or supermarket make you want to take up the dreaded weed? It doesn’t inspire me to smoke but I’m not normal… or rather to be politically correct, I am normal but having brain damage makes my normal different to everybody else’s. The only message a display of tobacco gives out is: “This shop sells cigarettes, if you want to buy some we can be of service.”

Do the pumps outside a petrol station turn drivers into speed freaks and Clarkson worshipping petrol heads? Does a pie shop make people obese? Are these great seducers too much for our weak minds to cope with or can we in fact think for ourselves more competently than the Nanny State can ever think for us?

Now we get to what is really annoying about Labour and their Politically Correct attitudes. It is their belief we are all dribbling simpletons. Thus they make the facile leap of logic to believing that if cigarettes are out of sight and thus are kept out of mind everyone will stop smoking. It is impossible to quantify how wrong this is and in how many ways it is wrong. One thing comes to mind though that demolishes the whole argument.

The Fag Drag.

We are not talking about a motorcade for gay and transvestite drivers here. Now that supermarkets regularly run beer and spirits as loss leaders few people feel the need to do a booze cruise but the Fag Drag is becoming more popular. I don’t know if the term is generally used, it has probably been banned in other parts of the country by the Thought Police but here, and you can call us old fashioned if you like possums, a faggot is a meatball known for inducing euphonious farting and a fag is a small stick of tobacco wrapped in paper. So The Fag Drag means going to a place where taxes are lower and dragging a load of ciggies and rolling tobacco back. These can be sold on at a reasonable profit and a hatchback can carry enough to make the trip worthwhile.

My son and other acquaintances who frequent pubs more shady than those I go into nowadays guess at least half the tobacco sold in town has never seen the cigarette shelf of a local shop.

There is a passage in the Terry Pratchett novel Making Money which describes perfectly why government attempts to micromanage human existence are ultimately doomed due to the resourcefulness of human beings at evading any attempts to restrict their ability to think for themselves. Making money also explains the financial crisis perfectly and there are more laughs than in a dry, academic tome.

To be able to predict the outcome of Labour’s war on tobacco we only have to look at the prohibition era in the United States when the outlawing of alcohol made organised crime that nation’s biggest industry.

Statuesque blonde Australian actress and sex symbol (if you like that sort of thing) Nicole Kidman has confessed in a celebrity interview with GQ magazine that in one of her love affairs she had explored “strange fetish stuff.” Though Kidman declined to identify which of her ex lovers was into “strange fetish stuff” she also mentioned that she had burned some of the diaries she kept while married to Hollywood sex thimble Tom Cruise. Cruise is a high ranking member of The Church of Scientology, a religious cult that requires its devotees to believe life was brought to earth by a race of aliens called The Thetans.

We are not suggesting that diminutive actor Tom Cruise is in any way freaky of course, how could we possibly know whether or not he liked to dress as an alien, suspend his slender, attractive wife by her wrists from a hook in he ceiling and lash her with a wet noodle. This is a responsible news blog, not one of those vile celebrity scandal sheets. Neither would we disparage The Church Of Scientology by suggesting they are an evil, mind – bending cult. They hate people referring to them like that so we won’t, OK.

What struck us as most odd about Nicole Kidman’s interview with GQ was that it ran under the headline, “Kidman still not playing by the rules.”

How can a celebrity doing a sex-laden confessional interview with a glossy magazine when she has a new book, film or product to promote ever possibly be described as “not playing by the rules.”

I mean how?

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Bad Taste Treat

Where are Catesby and his co - conspirators when we need them? Where is our gunpowder plot this bonfire night? Not that I'd want the buggers to blow up The Palace of Westminster, it is a wonderful building. If somebody would just put a rocket up the arses of our patetic, self serving politicians it would help lift the national mood.

Fortunately we have the new Guido Fawkes, the not very anonymous blogger whose Order-order blog has put details a few very big scandals into the public domain. Nice the see Guido getting a big write up in The Guardian (Guido knows the power of gossip) yesterday, even though he does not demur from being described as an extreme right winger. Now that the mainstream press, Guardian included, have abandoned honest, objective journalism in favour of partisan drivel in support of certain agendas Guido is a shining beacon and an inspiration for all us bloggers.