Teenagers have heartily endorsed the new voluntary (if you don't do it voluntarily we will make it a legal requirement) alcohol labelling scheme. Teenagers throughout the country have given the drinks industry's scheme to show the units of alcohol in bottles and tins a huge, if wobbly, thumbs up, followed by a quick belch, a leery grin and the comment,"You're my best mate you."

Boggart's cub correspondant reported, "My mates really like this idea. Being teenagers we're always a bit strapped for cash, which does make getting rat-arsed something of a problem. There's nothing worse than getting 2 litres of cider, drinking it and then finding out that all your faculties are working perfectly and the only adverse effect is a desperate need for a slash.
With this new system we'll be able to calculate the most units of alcohol available on our budgets and so ensure that we get as legless as possible on our meagre incomes."

A new survey of Americans aged 18 to 24 shows that 60% cannot locate Iraq on a world map, 47% cannot find India and 75 % could not find Israel. Almost one in ten could not even point to the United States. “It’s not good. It shows the knowledge is pretty appalling,” said John Fahey, president of the National Geographic Society.

In an interview yesterday John Duh, a typical young 'merkan told Boggart Blog, " Yuh, I heerd there's a war goan on somewheres called Iraq. I think that's a city in Mexico...or Canada...or someplace else. I sure hope it is near Brazil, then the boys c'n git a shot at them chicks with dicks. Ain't they really somp'n.

Reports that a performance artist, Mark McGowan, has on live technicolour radio eaten a cooked corgi as a protest at the way the Royal Family treats animals provoked a strong reaction from Buckingham Palace. The can bring you an advance copy of this statement issues by The Queen's press officer.
My Loyal subjects, in response to certain unsubstarntiated raymarghs currentlargh in circulation We wish it knayn that the Royal Hicehold do not eat corgis or any other small furry animals.
Not even squirrels.
Well not often anywaargh.
And what difference do a few squirrels make in the great scheme of things. And dayn't forget We are the Queen, We can do what We layke OK, its Our countrargh. If We want to eat sqirrels We will. Whose effing squirrels are they anyway?

The latest directive from Nanny Government, no alcohol at all during pregnancy.(Makes me glad my child bearing days are over - fingers crossed.) If they want that to mean from the point of conception then they could well see the birthrate dropping rapidly, how many of us started out as a twinkle in Daddy's eye after buying Mum a couple of lager and limes, or in this day and age a couple of bottles of lambrini?
I know it's a wee while ago since I was in this boat but having been told that I was getting a little aneamic the midwife advised half a guinness a day, advice which I took to heart and have continued to follow to this day!
Give that advice today and she'd be under investigation of OFPREG or some such body.
But the burning question is, do they really think it's going to make one drop of difference to the poor alcohol soaked mothers who give birth to the incredibly rare babies suffering from foetal alcohol syndrome? Let's face it, by the time those lasses realise they're preggers the damage will have been done.
I can't help feeling it's a bit of a 9/11 moment, what on earth are they hiding behind this headline?
Answers on a postcard please...

No time for a proper blog today so here's a joke someone sent me.

There were five country churches in a small Texas town;
the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with what was thought to be the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue but they took one squirrel and performed a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Over to our "you couldn't make it up" desk for today's post. The Melbourne Age news paper ran a story this week under the headline Fire Whips Through Bondage Parlour. The item reported how a blaze at the a city centre sex club The Correction Centre had done $A100,000 worth of damage.
It could have been a lot worse though, the news item went on to report that eighteen firemen were tied up for several hours but the inferno was prevented from spreading to adjacent buildings by "disciplined firefighting techniques".

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

For today's blog I am going to be a bit more ser... what's that noise? Is it coming from outside? Is it the splashing of waves, the creaking of ships timbers and the raucous sound of men overacting hideously and effecting ridiculous accents. It is... Oh No! Black Jacxk Bastard, the pirate who hijacked Boggart Blog last year has come back.

Ha - harrr ye scurvey lubber. Keelhaul yer trousers or I'll splice your mainbrace. Its yer old matey Blaaak Jaaack Baaasrard an' these scrofulous scumbags playing medieval stringed instruments behind me are the meanes crew of luters ever to sail the Spanish Main. Ha haarrr.

But Jack, I'm just a poor jobbing blogger, I have no treasure chest for you plunder.You should hijack a Davina McCall game show and steal the prize money.
Davina McCall ye says, avast behind matey, a very vast behind. But rest easy ye snivelling son of a scab louse. Blaaack Jaaack knows you ain't got no gold. But I heered tell a shortarse has knowing of The Secret, and you be a shortarse ha haarrr. "
The Secret Jack? What secret?
"The secret of how some folks aint never got ha'penny to scratch their arse with while others gets lucrative television contracts even though they is creepy little lubbers with high hair and perma tanned teeth. You knows what I mean matey?
You must be talking about cosmic ordering. Sorry Jack but you got the wrong shortarse.
You means it aint you that makes people choose one of two boxes a knowin' that one is full o' doubloons and the other is a box o' pox."
Yes, I can tell you where to find that person. I'll shut down the blog because we don't want everybody knowing do we? Sorry folks we'll just stream you Channel 4 for a bit while I deal with Jack.

CUT TO DEAL OR NO DEAL

And its really exciting now, one box contains quarter of a million pounds and the other two each contain a kick up the arse. Oh, here's the banker with a...
I ain't no banker matey, I be Blaaack Jaaack Baaastard and I be taking them three treasure chests while you goes to Davy Jones' locker ye botoxed bilgerat. Ha haaaaarrrrr!

What a perfect ending. Back to normal tomorrow

A scientific study has established links between intelligence and physical characteristics, researchers claim.
The study compared childrens' exam results with the relative length of their index and ring fingers. Results suggest that if the ring finger is as long as the index finger the child will excel in numeracy skills while if the ring finger is shorter than the index finger it denotes a preference for literary skills.
I checked my hand: my ring finger is actually longer than my index finger. Does this prove

(a) I'm a freak?
(b) Scientists are fuckwits?
(c) By manipulating statistics you can always prove the answer is what you wanted it to be?

Our most notable hypocrit today lays out his White Paper proposals for future energy supplies and efforts to save energy.
By 2011 , by use of regulation and standards, the least efficient products will be phased out, for instance inefficient lightbulbs.
Not included in the White Paper proposals is his decision to purchase a 70 seater airbus and a smaller executive jet for use by the Queen and Gordi. It is anticipated that the queen will use the planes perhaps four or five times a year, but if Mr. Brown follows in TB's contrail he will use it far more often.
How many energy efficient lightbulbs do you need to use to save enough energy to counteract those CO2 emissions?

There is growing concerns among footy fans that the wave of takeovers by foreign billionaires is handing control of our national game to people whose interest is purely financial.
Boggart Blog put this point to Tom Hicks, now joint owner of Liverpool F.C.
"Da deal is nut'n puzznal, just bidniz," Mr. Hicks told our reporter as he continued wrapping a Gerrard shirt around a big dead fish.
Elsewhere it was reported that Michael Owen has upgraded security arrangements at his racehorse stables.

Great news for art lovers. Junk head and sperm-with-eyes lookalike Pete Doherty has entered the world of fine art and has his first exhibition opening shortly in London. Pete's paintings may look like childish squiggles to the uninitiated but are actually an eloquent expression of the inner conflicts experienced by a sensitive and psychologically fragile genius as he tries to juggle his many careers as a singer, poet, serial substance abuser, wearer of silly hats, man whose face is too large for his head and media celebrity with his need to express an orignial and insightful vision not to mention his multiple drug habits. Their unique selling point is they are paintedx in Pete's own blood.
More Pete, we want more paintings. WE WANT THEM NOW!

Emma Thomason of Whitehaven, Cumbria was a tad miffed when her fiancee White Van Man Jason Wilson decided to stay out drinking with his mates when she wanted to go home.
Emma stomped off to their flat, loaded Jasons stuff into his van and drove it into Whitehaven Harbour.
"I've moved out," said Jason, "but I haven't told her the wedding is off yet."
Erm...Jase old mate, don't you think you are missing the point here. Some people just can't take a hint I suppose.

Amid all the hype surrounding the opening of a rathrer pricey fast food joint in London the most important football match of the entire season has gone virtually unreported.
Last night Shrewsbury Town beat M.K. Dons (the cloggers formerly know as Wimbledon) to progress to the playoffs for promotion to League One.
Shrewsbury, the team I used to watch as a child, may not ignite the passions the way Manchester United or Chelsea do but their contribution to the modern game is just as great.
Back in the mid eighties, when they just missed promotion to the proper First Division the team was managed by a professional miserableist called Graham Turner.
Turner is reputed to have coined the phrase "football is a game of two halves," as in:
"Football is a game of two halves and we were crap in both of them."

The other notable thing about The Shresws is that until they left their 100 year old Gay Meadow statium a couple of weeks ago they were the only team in football to use a coracle man. This is not some kind of midfield role but a necessity when your low stand runs alongside the River Severn. I recall a Watford defender putting the ball in the river four times in one game. That was almost fifty years ago and Watford's style of play has not changed.

A story in one of yesterdays papers (dunno which, I saw it on teletext) told us how some years ago Tony Blair was rebuked by the then Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Basil Hume, for taking communion alongside Cherie in her local Catholic Church.
Cardinal Hume wrote to point out with some justification that the Roman Catholic communion is only for confirmed Roman Catholics and Mr. Blair an Anglican, should desist from the practice.
Blair replied, according to the report, "what would Jesus make of that?"
To which we hope the Cardinal fired back "and what has Jesus to do with the Roman Catholic Church."

(Before anyone gets on their high horse, remember this is Boggart Blog. Cardinal Hume, a man of great integrity, humility and widom was one of the few churchmen in recent years I have admired. And he had a \sense of humour too.)

One minute Gordon Brown was saying he wanted his government to get more input from "ordinary people," the next we learn that there is to be no contest for the Labour leadership.
So Labour Party members are not ordinary enough for wee Gordie then?

Recently we reported on the shock decision to put dead animals (well bit of them) in Mars Bars, news that has greatly upset vegetarian sugar addicts.
Now we can confirm that the situation in the ongoing war on meat is worse than anybody imagined.
The makers of BOVRIL have recently abandoned an innovative beef free recipe and reintroduced essence of dead cow into their product. The vegetarian Bovril was intended to compete with similar to Marmite.

Vegetarian BOVRIL for fuck's sake.

Its called Bovril with the bov signifying not bovvered (although veggies may be) but bovine as in "relatng to cows. To sell something called Bovril that does not have dead cows in it probably contravenes European trade regulations. You know, like Wensleydale Cheese has to have a bit of Dale Winton it it and Westphalian ham has to be made from western phalluses.

We can assure you Marmite is not made from extract of Marmosets. It just tastes as if it is.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

A child was arrested in Kent after removing a piece of cucumber from a tuna mayonnaise sandwich and throwing it at another child. The "victim's" parents claimed it was assault. The police federation said the case was more serious than they realised as the victim was allergic to egg, which, of course, a tuna mayonnaise sandwich will contain.
I'm a bit stuck here for which is the most ridiculous attitude that of the parents or that of the police involved. No, given what I know of parents I'm not stuck at all.

However it does make you think, was there really a second gunman on the grassy knoll or was it just somebody lobbing peanuts?

On a more practical note it wouldn't have happened in the people's republic of South Yorkshire, a victim of a recent "drive by" shooting with a BBgun was told by PC Plod that "it can't have hurt much." My kind of plod!

Shock Horror! Vegetarians are up in arms about news that dead animals are to be put in Mars Bars.
The question that must be asked is not why Mars ?Bars need to have squirrels and badgers put in the mix but what are veggies, who are always ranting about the alleged health benefits of a meat free diets doing munching anything as unhealthy as Mars Bars (and if you are particularly pedantic you might ask what the hell the MILK chocolate coating is actually made from)
Boggart Blog advice for a healthy diet is simply this: don't worry whether it has four legas and a furry face, two legs and wings, no lega and scales or leaves and roots, or it comes from windowless factories full of stainless steel machinerey and vats of chemical gloop, if it looks like shite and smells like shite dDON'T EAT IT!

It is worth notinh that the benefits of a vegetaran dietary regimes were first exponded nearly two hundred years ago by Reverend William Cowherd.

Last year when I posted about thegrossly expensive crapfest that is called The Eurovision Pong Contest people were telling me I should lighten up and enjoy it for its wonderful high kamp* qualities.
OK guys, I know all about the "so bad its good" thing, but the ESC goes way beyond that and is so bad its really really shite. We have now seen a Serb dressed as fat Roland from Grange Hill just edge out a Ukrainian Friend of Dorothy dressed in as The Tin Man in drag for this year's title. Both were singing absolutely dire songs.
Being unconsciously kamp can be entertaining. Being consciously kamp can be very entertaining. Trying like fuck to be kamp and failing is just sad.
So let's applaud the Italians who had enough dignity to walk out.

*kamp: the correct spelling of the term camp, it comes from an abbreviation the Metropolitan Police used to write on charge sheets to indicate the suspect was "known as male prostitute."
The twee types who will be shocked by this will also be shocked to learn the favourite "bad word" of Daily Mail readers, "naff" is also an acronym. In Polari, the gay sloang used before the days of consenting adults in private it means "not available for fucking" or in a word, straight.

Well, there it is in a nutshell, Sheffield United are relegated and it's all ManU's fault, at least according to the Blades' manager Neil Warnock. It didn't really have anything to do with fielding one of the shortest defences in the premiership, or a player who hasn't started a match in three years, or giving away a penalty with a deliberate handball, or having a one man advantage for the last twenty minutes yet still being totally unable to finish any of the many chances that came their way, or keeping their goalie on his own line during the last ten minutes when things were realy getting desperate.
What a splendid example of passing the buck and supreme self delusion, Neil. Ever thought of going into politics?

When I saw an article with the headline "Fake, Vapid, Vain and Vulgar" my first thought was "At last a writer with something nice to say about Blair".
Alas not, it was a story about Paris Hilton.

Those of you from my generation, younger than Ian yet old enough to remember watching trade test transmissions for the emergent BBC2 will probably recall public information films in advertising breaks telling us how to cross the road safely or how not to scald a cat, (sorry Charlie!)There was one about observing the country code; taking your litter home, not poking crocodiles, sorry cows, with sticks and always closing gates behind you.
Well you will be pleased to know that the message got through and still persists today. A young lady was following the instructions from her sat nav when she came to a closed gate. Getting out of the car she opened the gate and then drove through, stopping on the other side to get out and close the gate. She then leapt out of the way of the oncoming train and watched, presumably gobsmacked, as it ploughed into her car and carried it half a mile down the track.
Wonder what she thought that big red circle on the gate was for? Or those flashing lights? And those funny parallel metal rails...? Perhaps it's time to bring public information films back, but would you choose to educate the populace about indicators of railway lines or would you choose to tell them to open their bloody eyes and look where they're going!
Maybe I'm being too harsh, after all she was probably doing much more than blindly following her sat nav, eye make up, talking to a friend and probably a Su Doku puzzle to boot. Young people need to realise technology can get things badly wrong.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

So Bliar is to make a statement announcing his future plans today - although yesterdays announcement announcing today's announcement seems to have been enough for the media to draw their own conclusions. Unlesss he says "Nyah nyah na na nyah, not really going, fooled you!" is there any point in him announcing anything?

Anybody willing to give me odds that he might have had a road to Damascus moment and announce that:

1) He really is genuinely sorry for Iraq, all the unnecessary bloodshed and David Kelly.

2) In view of his chancellor's wrecking of the private pension scheme he will NOT be drawing his MP's pension and will instead donate the money to Age Concern and other like minded charities.

3) In accordance with his government's desire to abolish the House of Lords he will not be taking up his life peerage.

Now wouldn't that make him a pretty straight kinda guy?

Over the past few weeks we have been inundated with "experts" opinions of what ought to be included in the curriculum ranging from the ridiculous, Mandarin, where on earth are they going to recruit the necessary teachers - China? to the ludicrous, walking. Yes really! This was proposed by Martin Johnson of the Association of Teachers and Lecturers who suggested that "teachers should be free to focus on teaching skills pupils will need in adult life...such as the ability to use tools (a knife and fork perhaps?) cycle and walk."
Now Mick Brookes from the association of Head Teachers suggests that instead of cramming for SATS to ensure their school a good place in the now defunct(yeah) league tables, Y6 pupils should be learning useful skills including cooking, carpentry, basic mechanics and motorcycle maintenance.
Perhaps following the Governments' desire for personalised learning some children could specialise in shop lifting, TWOCING and drug dealing.

Or how about this, instead of coming up with even more stupid suggestions teachers could concentrate on teaching the children basic skills they will need in adult life, such as reading, writing, basic mathematical skills and good manners.

Former psychi