From Boggart Network News – Sports Desk
Last month we reported the saga of Irish international footballer Stephen Ireland (read post). The Manchester City player ducked a game for Republic of Ireland by claiming his Granny had died. When the Granny turned up alive and kicking Stephen between the legs he promptly said he had made a mistake, it was his other granny who had died. She too was alive and just as pissed off as Granny No. 1. This kicked off a saga in which Stephen offered increasingly preposterous explanations for his behaviour until his employers and the Irish F.A. decided the lad needed professional help.
Stephen is getting counselling now although his therapist can’t decide whether his problems are because he is a mentalist or a Manchester City player. Either way it isn’t working because Stephen has again cried off international duty for the games against Germany and Cyprus next week, pleading that to play would hinder his recovery. Both his agent and the Irish team managers have been tight lipped about this.
Obviously there is more to Ireland’s case than meets the eye so Boggart News Sports sent an undercover reporter to the Manchester City training ground from where he filed this exclusive story.
After talking with Stephen Ireland and his team mates Boggart News Sport can exclusively reveal the players reluctance to be involved in internationals is because he fears for the safety of his best friend, an eight foot tall, purple hedgehog called Spike (nobody said footballers were imaginative) who accompanies Stephen everywhere, even onto the pitch for games. Spike makes himself invisible to other players, match officials and spectators because he does not want to embarrass the lad.
Ireland confided to your Boggart Sport reporter, “The reason I can’t play is German footballers all have invisible Unicorns with them and Spike is terrified of Unicorns as they have bigger spikes than him and he is very insecure.”
He added that it would be impossible for him to play against Cyprus as on of the Cypriot players has a Phoenix on his shoulder during matches. The Phoenix is a fire bird and Hedgehogs being woodland creatures who fear fire more than anything, Spike will never go near a Phoenix.
As we wrapped up our meeting the player finally revealed the real reason he missed the game against the Czech Republic.
“Their right midfield player is really a Gryphon,” he told me.
“Spike is Afraid of Gryphons?” I suggested.
“Too right,” he said, “ those things are part lion, part serpent and part eagle, you’d be afraid.”
Later we asked club manager Sven Goran Eriksson if he thought Stephen Ireland’s imaginary hedgehog’s irrational fear on mythical beasts might affect the player’s domestic form.
Eriksson told Boggart Sport, “It will be OK so long as we do not play Hartlepools United. The Chimera who plays goalkeeper for them could be a problem I think. Chimeras are shapeshifters and if Spike sees a human change into a horned beast in front of him, he could get really panicky and do a lot of damage.”
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ROFL
