Here is a message from Boggart Blog to the Military Intelligence Officers, Special Branch Coppers, Benefit Agengy snoopers and town hall bureaucrats who may be tapping our phone and monitoring our e-mails and this subversive and insurrectionist blog..

FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKERS!

For those of you not familiar with the Benefits Agency, they used to be the department of Social Security and their Fraud Investigation Team had more powers than the police. The mystery is not why did they change their name from the dSS but why it took them twenty years to get round to it.

Learn more about the erosion of civil rights, the destruction of privacy and how our government, in the name of state security, now collects more data on citizens that Statsi, the secret police in the old communist regime of East Germany ever did on the oppresssed citizens o9f that unfortunate nation.

A baby seal, rescued from the surf on the Greek coastline has been nursed back to health and is now to be released back into the Med, equipped with a device for sending SMS messages, so her former carers can monitor her progress.

BoggartBlog's maritime reporter, Jill E Fish has been able to bring us the first few transcripts of the messages received back from the seal.

Monday 10.04 am. Hi its gr8t out here. Lots of fish. LOL

Monday 10.08am. Jus seen a guy wiv 8 legs. Eeeuw. XX

Monday 10.10am. Where r u? XX

Monday 10.11am. Heya, jus mt up wiv a dolphin. She gt a funny shaped nose.

Monday 10.13am. U cmin rnd mine l8tr?

Monday 10.14am. Cn I hv sum more credit?

Playing catch up this week as although the past few days have yielded little in the way of news, stories that were just made for Boggart Blog were coming in thick and fast. One we missed was Jeremy Paxman’s complaint on television that his underpants do not support his dangly bits. My initial reaction was that Paxo should think himself lucky, it is not so long ago that BBC journalists were not permitted to have dangly bits because the shows they appeared on were broadcast to homes in Surrey. In fact as recently as the 1990s female presenters working on BBC Children’s programmes were, like Sindy dolls, not allowed vaginas. Anthea Turner was the living proof of this.
I digress, we are discussing guzzies and dangly bits. All my adult life I have chosen jockey briefs, the kind with no fly, you just yank the elastic down, whack your willie over the top, take aim and let it rip. Y fronts were OK but could be terribly fiddly especially if you needed a waz while walking home from the pub on a cold night, but jockeys are more elegant and have the effect of lifting and pushing forward whereas if an opportunity to doff your Daks and pleasure a lady occurred unexpectedly, a pair of baggy, grey Y fronts would make the wearer look like Mr. Semi-detached Suburban.
The move to boxers in the 1980s, the decade that style forgot, was a complete mystery to all men who like to look good while getting their kit off. Boxer shorts are shapeless, sexless and silly, only fit to be worn by hapless actors caught with their pants down in low-budget sitcoms.
Wearing boxer shorts is pointless, they offer no support, you may as well let your wedding tackle waft to and fro in the breeze, no shape enhancement to impress potential partners and they do not even catch the drips, you just have to endure the sensation of cold wetness tricking down your leg.
Boxer shorts were promoted by lesbian feminist writers who rave about how sexy men looked in them. What is sexy about having a picture of Mickey Mouse covering your meat and two veg. At the risk of sounding paranoid here, I sense a gay conspiracy, while male fashion designers created clothes to make women look ridiculous, women writers put men in clown underpants. The hidden message was that straight sex is just uncool.
The situation carried on unchanged (although hopefully the guzzies were changed regularly) throughout the 1990s but since the turn of the century, the industrialisation of Asia, the export of jobs to low labour cost countries, and the abandonment of prudence has seen a rapid decline in quality in favour of cheap. It was not how good your guzzies were that mattered but how many pairs you had. Modern boxers can be had for pennies from Wal-Mart / Asda but seem to be made from the same stuff as Kleenex, while size M jockeys, supposedly for a medium sized man, look as if they would fit a medium sized ten year old. And the cut. jockey briefs need to have a bit of pouching at the front, you know, like the bag you carried your marbles in as a child, but now I find the bit that connects front to back is so skimpily cut, if I do not arrange things very carefully I walk around with one bollock dangling down each side while that thin band of cloth disappears up my crevice.
I sometimes feel I would be as well off wearing my daughter’s thongs (apart from the probability of her killing me,) but this is the way of the world.
Our grandparents told us, (well mine told me*,) buy cheap, buy twice. Now of course we have no choice, there is cheap cheap from the budget stores, or there is expensive cheap which is the same cheap crap but with a designer label. So congratulations to Jeremy Paxman for airing his underpant issues. We should all be up in arms about the crappification of our lives.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

Today it became public knowledge that MacDonald’s have become an officially recognised education service provider and as such, qualificatins awarded in their training schools are accepted nationally as the equivalent of A levels in Burger Flipping and shucking fries or, as they prefer to call it, Macology.
Ever eager to stay ahead of the media rat pack, Boggart Network News have managed to secure an interview with MacManagement trainee Darren Chavver who later this week will become the first graduate to receive an A level in Macology after studying for four hours at Slagtown Macademy of Burger Education.

BNN:
Darren, you must feel very proud of your achievement in becoming the first student to get a qualification in Macology.

Darren:
Yeah, whatever.

BNN:
We assume the course involved an in depth study of the fast food industry, so how much do you know about burgers now.

Darren:
Evr’fink

BNN:
Everything, well that is certainly impressive because the scope is enormous. It must be fascinating to learn how meat is produced for example.

Darren:
Wha’

BNN:
You know, where burgers come from.

Darren:
They come from the freezer.

BNN:
But before they are in the freezer, where do they come from?

Darren:
They comes inna van.

BNN:
And are there any animals involved in the process at all?

Darren:
Yeah, Tracy what drives the van sometimes, she’s a right dog.

BNN:
But that’s a rather unkind way of saying Tracey is a not very
attractive young woman. Are there any real animals involved?

Darren:
Not reely, there’s Gloria but she’s frunna’house manager, don’t
do Burgers. She’s a real animal, she’ll shag anyone, even takes
it up th...

BNN:
I’m sure Gloria is a charming young woman Darren and we should
remember her private life is her own business. Now moving
quickly on, have your studies focused on burgers or did they
take in other products such as McNuggets and Milk Shakes.

Darren:
She’s OK Gloria, I gi’ ‘er one agin’ the waste bins last week,
she ended up wi’ onion and ketchup all over her arse. But she
had a laugh abou’ it.

BNN:
I think we should forget Gloria for now Darren. Tell our readers
what you know about milk shakes for example.

Darren:
Exam were Macology, not ple.

BNN:
Sorry, I don’t understan... oh yes, exam - ple, so you studied
lateral thinking?

Darren:
No burgers and fries, chocolate milkshakes and shit.

BNN:
Shit?

Darren:
Yeah, well mos’ people call ’em McNuggets.

BNN: I’d like you to talk about Chocolate Milkshakes. Do you know
what they are made from?

Darren:
Yeah, chocolate milk and bubbles.

BNN:
And where do we get chocolate milk from?

Darren:
’Fridge.

BNN:
To make chocolate milk Darren we have to mix chocolate with
milk. Do you know where we get milk from?

Darren:
‘Fridge.

BNN:
Darren, do you know what we get from cows?

Darren:
Tampax.

BNN:
Pardon?

Darren:
Skanky tampax. This cow come in one day with her two kids and I
was in charge cos the manager was off, an’ she come to the
counter an’ holds up this skanky tampax and says “I found this
in one of my kids burgers, you got give me my money back.”

BNN:

And did you?

Darren:
Fink I’m stoopid or wha’ I seen that trick loadsa times. They
puts dead cockroaches in the tray, mouse turds, slugs maggots.
Make out they only finds ’em when they nearly finished the meal.

BNN:
That’s very interesting darren, but do you know we get meat from
cows.

Darren:
Meat what you eat? Yeuch, that’s cabinnalistm.

BNN:
Not really Darren, you are thinking of an insulting term for
women, I was thinking more of cows with horns.

Darren:
Like Lezzas with strap-ons. I seen that on a DVD. Kewl.

BNN:
Cows are big aminals, they have horns and live in fields and we
get milk from them.

Darren:
NO! You’re ’avvin a laugh aint yer? Like you feed cows on
chocolate and get chocolate milk? I don’ believe ya. An’ we get
meat from the meat factory. I seen it.

BNN:
Well thank your for talking to us Darren, we have all learned a
great deal. Your course in Macology has really given you a good
education in all aspects of the fast food indistry.

Darren:
Yeah, whatever.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

News reports of pubs closing, brewers profits down in the wake of the smoking ban suggest people not going to the pub because they can't stand the smell of stale beer and are pulling sickies because they can't strand being in offices that reek of farts and hormones. There had to be a backlash sometime.

Well Boggart Blog can report it has begun in health conscious Germany.

An IT company in Berlin has fired three workers who requested a smoke-free environment. Germany introduced a smoking ban in pubs and restaurants on 1 January, but staff in small offices can still smoke. The company owner said: “We’re on the phone all the time and its easier to work while smoking. Everyone picks on smokers there days. Its time for revenge. I’m only going to hire smokers from now on.

How long before we are seeing smokers only clubs with long waiting lists for membership, smokers only restaurants for people who find nictine numbed tastebuds do not find overpriced, mediocre food so revolting and as our German correspondant reports, smokers only offices because a fag break a few times a day boosts productivity (not to mention easing the liability on pension funds by reducing the number of long term pensioners.)

If people would just think things through we would never have these problems.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

by Boggart Network News legal affairs correspondent A. Cheever Loophole

No, the oversized werestler has not returned from beyond the grave.
We love creative ways of breaking the law. Like people who live in giant haystacks because they fear they will not get planning permission to build of their land. A couple from Surrey did just that, building a structure from bales of hay to completely surround and conceal their Park Home type property.

Robert Fidler hoped to take advantage of a provision of planning law that allows buildings without planning permission to be declared legal if no objections have been made after four years

But Reigate and Banstead Borough Council in Surrey is not impressed.

"It does not count because the property was hidden behind hay bales," said a spokeswoman. "No one knew it was there."

The council wants the building near Redhill some 30 km south of London to be demolished, along with an associated conservatory, marquee structure, wooden bridge, patio, decking and tarmac racecourse.

"It looks like a mock-Tudor house from the front and it's got two turrets at the back," the spokeswoman said. "I understand there is also a cannon."

The couple would have been unlikely to get planning permission as the farm was in "green belt" land where building was restricted, she said. A hearing takes place in February.

Fidler's wife Linda told the Daily Mail newspaper the children grew up looking at straw out of the windows of the house and that they kept their son away from playschool on the day his class were due to do paintings of their houses.

"We couldn't have him drawing a big blue haystack," she said. "People might ask questions."

Planning inspectors had been called to the site by concerned neighbours shortly before Fidler took the hay bales down in summer 2006 but had not seen the house.

"When the inspectors went there, all they saw was hay bales and hay bales on agricultural land are not that unusual," the spokeswoman said.

"I think the neighbours thought there might be something going on but it is difficult to tell, isn't it?"

Boggart Blog says fair play to the Fidlers and yah, boo to Redhill Council. Play the game you bastards, you were had over. Learn to accept defeat graciously.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

President Bush has once more declared victory in Iraq (pron: Eye - rack.) No flying jackets and aircraft carriers this time but from the safety of his office he announced, "History will declare that the United States wong a great victory in Eye - rack for the sake of the whole world."
All that has happened is the muslim militias can't be arsed killing Americans because it is more fun killing each other.
Almost immediately following Bush's announcement, neocon writer Oliver Kamm stepped forward to kiss the President's arse. While admitting that mistakes had been made in the initial occupation, Kamm says that embarking on a more intelligent strategy a year ago (the surge) made the war "winnable", and that reducing Eye - rack to a failed state lacking coherent government or a functioning infrastructure is a victory that will spread freeman moxy through the middle east and send a message to evil doors and people of Evelyn Tent that the U.S.A. will not be intimidated by sewer side bummers, turrrists or 'slamic fun addicts and funny mentalists.
Given Kamm's talent for positive sping what would he have made of the outcome of some other American military campaigns?

Pearl Harbour:
A tactical masterpiece; by allowing the Japanese to destroy most of the Pacific Fleet in oine fell swoop, U.S. Military Commanders forced the enemy to engage in a war of attrition, having to fight the campaing island by island rhather than presenting them with the easy targets presented by troopship convoys. This so overstretched the Japanese, they were too weak to resist the final assault. In addition, Pearl Harbour was an economic triumph for the U.S. spawning a grenre of money spinning Hollywood movies.

Viet - Nam:
The U.S.A. triumph in Viet - Nam prevented the spread of communism from Asia to Yoorp and South America. Its has often been said by pinko faggot Brits that the U.S. suffered a defeat. This is not true. The North Veitnamese carried on fighting after we declared victory.

Korea:
The U.S. victory in Korea united that country into two discrete and ideologicall opposed nations.

WW2:
In spite of the threat posed by the Nazis, American troops liberated Britain and Russia from German occupation and spread freeman moxy throughout Yoorp.

Canada and the Burning of Washington (1812):
We had a deal with the Canadians that they would burn the slums of Washington but leave public buildings untouched but they reneged, burning only public buildings. They even burned The White House although the contract stated clearly "burn the shite house." Sincde then Americans have never trusted Canadians.

Glossary of Bushisms:
freeman moxy - freedom and democracy
Evelyn Tent - evil intent
sewer side bummers - suicide bombers
'slamic fun addicts - Islamic fanatics
funny mentalists - fundamentalists

The Burning of Washington

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Today we read of the craziest plan yet devised by government health advisers to encourage obese people to lose weight.

They suggest people who are grossly overweight because they constantly pig out on ready meals, takeaways, pizzas and fatty snacks should be paid to get slim.

Do you see the flaw here? Because of the chemical composition of fast foods, they are addivtive. The food scientists have taken the Chinese idea of "thirty minutes later you could eat it again," and perfected it. Now with fast foods we find that thirty minutes later we HAVE to eat it again, but double portions. These meals and snacks are addictive.

So what is the point giving food addicts money to get slim. They will only spend it on fast food.

Today our education correspondent, N.E. Teecher, was invited along to observe a cookery lesson as part of the Education Ministers new initiative to improve the way the general public eats by teaching the children how to cook.

Good Morning Children, come on in and find a seat.

Are we playing hide and seat Sir?

Erm beg your ... oh I get it, hide and seat, yes find a seat hahaha.

Now then is everybody here? Good. Now today we are going to learn how to cook the nation's favourite dish.
Does anyone know what the nation's favourite dish is? Hmmm?

Is it Charlotte Church Sir, she's well tasty and she drinks and smokes and sh...

No, no it's not a person, it's something that we eat. A 'dish' is another name for a meal.

I thought it was something you put cereal in Sir.

You're posh, we just eat the cornflakes straight out of the packet.

Well yes, a dish is an item of crockery, and it is also used to describe a meal and from this comes the slang definition of somebody looking very good, good enough to eat probably.

We're not going to eat somebody are we Sir. That's what carnivals do, isn't it?

Cannibals, look I'll write it on the board for you, c-a-n-n-i-b-a-l-s. Yes cannibals do eat human flesh, but we are not going to eat human flesh today, or cook it either.

We're not going to cook anything at this rate. This is more like a literacy lesson than a cookery lesson.

Oh, um Yes, quite, yes we must get on with the lesson.
Now then today we are going to cook chicken tikka masala, which has been voted the favourite meal of the people of Britain. Now does anybody know where tikka masala comes from?

The curry house at the end of the high street Sir.

Erm yes, it does come from the curry house, but does anyone know where curry comes from? What nationality are the people who run the curry house, eh?

Fuck now we're onto Geography. They're from India Sir, now can we get on, I'm starving.

Yes, quite right, curry comes from India. It's a very spicy food, a bit like your language Smith. Don't let me hear it again.
Now then because curry is a spicy food there are certain health and safety issues we have to think about. First of all everyone needs to put on one of these caps to cover all your hair, then you need to put on one of these special aprons to protect your clothing.

OK Good, everyone is covered up. Now then we also need to wear protective gloves and this is partly to protect us, some of you may be allergic to some of the ingredients, but also to protect the food from germs on our hands, stop picking your nose Pickering.

Now because tikka masala is a sauce we need to wear protective goggles, to prevent any hot splashes going into our eyes. Ok. Good. Now we're ready to begin.

I can't see Sir, my goggles are steaming up.

Well give them a wipe, then if that doesn't work if you spit in them and then wipe it round that should stop the problem.

EEEUUW

Now then, as you know knives are banned in school, for your safety, so we have these special plastic tools for you to use, if you'll all familiarise yourselves with them.

Ok Good. Now we're ready to begin.
On the table in front of you you will see there is everything you need to cook an authentic chicken tikka masala.
Now first of all, carefully remove the cardboard sleeve and put it to one side... good, well done, that was excellent Natasha.
Now with the long, thin, rounded-ended, plastic thing poke a few holes in the film.....
oh, that is causing a problem isn't it? Perhaps you could just peel back one corner of the film, good, that's the ticket. Well done.
Now read the instructions on the back of the sleeve... erm the instructions next to the picture of a microwave... here I'll help you shall I?
"Microwave on full power for 2 minutes.
Peel back film and stir contents.
Return to microwave and cook for a further minute on full power.
Leave to stand for 2 minutes.
Stir before serving.
Ensure food is piping hot all the way through before eating."

Ok everybody got that? Now make an orderly queue for the micrrowave and you will all get your turn. Er should I do mine first just to show you how it's done...

The age old question returns to haunt our debating chamber but in a somewhat different context after a television preview of Tim Burton’s film Sweeney Todd. The answer may be different too, Dawn French, Freddie Flintoff and even Matt Lucas all have their image to consider and even John Prescott would baulk at offer of a tasty, pastry-encrusted snack after the insights into the pie maker’s art offered by Burton’s film. Even the usual ingredients; lips, arseholes, gristle and stale bread seem appetising now.
Sweeney Todd was of interest to me only because it features my Helena (Bonham-Carter) in a lead role. I’ve nursed an enormous crush on Miss B-C since seeing her one day in the foyer of a Merchant Bank where I was working (as a Systems Consultant not a rhyming slang term) She was meeting a cousin who worked on the dealing floor. The orchidaceous creature looked so frail and vulnerable among the feral beasts who populate Merchant Banker’s premises that I was smitten forever.
My love will probably survive the horrors of Helena’s latest role as the lady who bakes meat pies filled with the minced remains of her lover’s victims, though some scenes are truly gruesome:
“What’s in that one?” asks Sweeney (Johnny Depp)
“Priest,” says my Helena, her exquisite face a picture of insouciance.
Part of me is going yeuch while another part ins thinking “great idea, solves food shortage problems and discourages religion.”
No, the thing about this role set to test my devotion to the limit is Helena’s accent. Playing a low born Londoner, cor blimey cockney is as convincing as that of Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

Fearing for his licence after being caught speeding for the third time in two months Shafkat Munir came up with a cunning plan, he contested the alleged speeds, only to be told by the police that they were correct.
On to cunning plan B, a Rashid Hussain contacted the police to say that his friend Shafkat Munir had actually died in Pakistan several years ago and he forwarded a death certificate to prove this.
Due to errors on the death certificate however the suspicions of the police were aroused.
Hatching a cunning plan of their own the police rang the mobile number provided by Rashid Hussain and asked to speak to Shafkat Munir. "Speaking" came the reply. The police then rang the same number and asked to speak to Rashid Hussain, again the response was "Speaking".
On being questioned by police Shafkat/Rashid stuck to his story that Shafkat was a friend who had died, however when shown a photo of Shafkat, which bore an uncanny resemblance to the man claiming to be Mr Hussain, Mr. Munir confessed to the elaborate fabrication.
He has now been jailed for attempting to pervert the course of justice and also banned from driving for 18 months. (He would have only got nine points on his licence for the speeding offences.)
He would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for thosse meddling police... oh and the fact that it was a crap plan.

As readers know I am not at all a religious person. The belief system I find closest to my view of life is Druidism. Now Druids have suffered a lot from the negative spin put on their role in history by early Christian public relations consultants. There is no evidence they sacrificed virgins, put people in wicker men or did unspeakable things to goats – and anyway so long as the goats did not mind, where is the problem?
The Druids and their successors the Celtic Christians were not big on God, not in the least Jesusy (Jesus, like Robbie Williams had to reinvent himself a couple of times before he really took off – something to do with Angels for them both I think.) The things Druids prized above all were learning and creativity. Apart from that all you had to do was live in harmony with nature. This is the philosophy I found appealing.
Now, after coming across a very informative website yesterday, I find I may have been wrong about the Druids and will have to rethink my position. To my absolute horror I learned that the Druids invented THE MULLET!

The Celtic church was less centralised than the Roman church, being somewhat more monastic than heirarchical, and also used a different way of calculating the date of Easter. Some of these monasteries were headed by women, including Abbes Hilda of Whitby who hosted the Council of Whitby, where it was decided to join with the Roman church and the rest of Europe.
There is debate among historians as to how distinct the Celtic church was from other forms of Christianity of its time, but there are some unique elements nonetheless. One unique feature of the Celtic church was the cut of the tonsure, which was bald in the front and long in the back, unlike the Benedictine tonsure, which is short all around with a bald spot in the centre. The Celtic Christian art of illuminated manuscripts, such as the beautiful Book of Kells, is another uniquely Celtic contribution to Christianity. Its symbol is the Celtic Cross, a cross with a circle around its centre.

If you want to know more about Druid beliefs or just fancy a really interesting read try this 5-page Druidism Guide

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

An advert run over the weekend for one of the Sunday papers trumpeted this week’s giveaway, “Free with Sunday’s paper, Mr. Benn DVD” it proclaimed.
How crap a freebie is that? I mean, if a geriatric socialist politician wants to release a DVD fair play to him, but how many extra newspapers will it sell? Perhaps the print media are doing so badly they can’t afford to give away decent freebies. If that is the case, what other self – promoting extravaganzas may we expect from present and former political celebrities?

Boris Johnston’s Best Bloopers DVD
Bill Clinton in Billy Does Boston... and Baltimore and Brownsville and Baton Rouge etc.
The Conservative Party in Night of The Living Dead.
Tony Blair reads the poems of Eric Blair
Nick Clegg in The Invisible Man
A foodporn film of John Prescott eating all the pies.
George Galloway as Bagpuss
Hazel Blears in a remake of The Smurfs ?

What a bunch of treats to look forward to

Former jockey Richard Dunwoody has succeeded in his bid to walk to the South Pole. Speaking by Satphone soon after completing the world's most extreme charity walk, Dunwoody told Boggart Blog. "The most difficult thing was coping with the extreme cold. Average temperatures were around -40 degrees Cenntigrade, forty below frezing.
To put that in perspective, forty below is almost cold enough to make a Geordie lass put a coat on before she goes out clubbing.

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
Well tell me what you want, what you really, really want?
I wanna wanna wanna twenty five foot penis.

Dear, ditzy Victoria aka Posh Spice (where would us comedy bloggers be without her?) has done it again. The most lost in showbiz of the Spice Girls could not have gone to lie in a more appropriate place than LALAland, capital of the celebrity culture.

But has California made her madder or has she made Flake City U.S.A. even more out of the loop than it was before?

Asked in an interview how she felt about husband David’s position in the celebritocracy currently being boosted by an advertising campaign in which he is pictured in a pair of guzzies that can only be described as the male equivalent of a Wonderbra Victoria again demonstrated her tenuous grip on reality.
I’m proud to see his penis twenty five feet tall, plastered over all these advertising billboards,” she said, adding “it’s huge, its massive, if I had a twenty five foot penis I would walk through the streets in my panties to show it off.”
Calm down Dicktoria, if you do ever acquire a penis I’m afraid you will be very disappointed with the range of actual sizes available.

MORE humour every day from Boggart Blog

Boggart Blog’s long running campaign to bring to the attention of the public the leading role played by Hollywood Micro-megastar Tom Cruise (4’6”) in the sinister Church of Scientology cult is finally vindicated. Month’s ago we sent our undercover invisible investigative reporter Soft Mick to obtain evidence. Now we are frequently disappointed with the outcome of Mick’s assignments as he always gets the information but instead of bringing it back to the office to give us an exclusive but being a creature composed of electromagnetic echoes he gets caught up in an electrical storm or collides with a radio transmitter and the information is broadcast throughout the global communications networks. This time the story landed of You Tube. Still, if we employed humans, not only would they be at a disadvantage against the Thetans, the alien superbeings Scientologists believe themselves to be human manifestations of, they would also be prone to being lured into pubs. This is what happened to the BBC (Boggart Blog Cub) reporter last time we sent him on an assignment.
But enough of my complaining about the problems a blog editor has managing supernatural and human staff, back to the story.
The video footage that appeared on You Tube showed a filmed interview intended only for release to neophyte Scientologists in which Tom talks about the Freedom Medal of Valour, Scientology’s top award, which looks uncannily like one of those super hero medallions kids used to get free with chewing gum. Only eighty Scientologists have been awarded the medal which perhaps indicates a shortage of chewing gum. Strangely the recipients are mostly high profile celebrities from the world of sport, television or showbiz.
A spokesthetan for the Church of Scientology explained, “ The medal is awarded because Cruises’ humanitarian work reached a larger global population. Skipping over the obvious question “Which larger globe are we talking about?” we have to say that Scientologists are rather fetishistic about medals and awards. This all seems to stem from their founder L. Ron Hubbard feeling miffed because he did not get as many medals as he thought he should for service in the U.S. Military in WW2.
The puppyish excitement (how gay is that?) Cruise showed when speaking of his award reminded us of Muttley’s behaviour when given a medal by Dick Dastardly in that cartoon spin off from Whacky Races, Stop The Pigeon or something.
We must not forget however, as well as being a leading Scientologist Tom Cruise is still one of the most highly paid stars in the movies. Or was...
We hear his next film project is Mission Impossible 22 – Rescue Your Career

MORE humour every day from boggart blog.