Boggart Network News talks to
National Northern Rock Blood Bank Service.
This interview is made available by Boggart Network News, the international news and current affairs division of Boggart Media. Thanks to the NHS employee who leaked to us the New Year message from National Blood Service CEO Bill Fullagar (no relation to the totally fictional Fred Fullogarbage of course) So far the government has managed to keep this scandalous plan out of the news. If you want to support the people who are risking their careers to oppose the marketisation of the blood service or just to see a sensible view of what is going on, visit Little Nicky Machiavelli - Blood Sweat and Profits
For this years New Year interview, Boggart Network News are lucky to have been given the opportunity to talk to Fred Fullogarbage, Chairman of the National Northern Rock Blood Bank Service about the new blood and financial services corporation formed from the merger of failed bank, Northern Rock and the privatised National Blood Service.
BNN:
Mr. Fullogarbage, first let me than you for agreeing to speak to us at what though it is a very exciting and challenging time for this new venture must have imposed an enormous workload on you and all your management team.
Fullogarbage:
Indeed, not only do we face the challenges of moving forward to meet the challenges of the 21st century, we also need to integrate two very different organisation into a single, modern business capable of competing in two highly competitive markets, blood sucking and financial services. We have of course put plans in place to ensure we are prepared to overcome the many problems we will face. Thus our managers will learn from the experience, grow into their roles and become even better equipped to deliver the changes that will ensure we remain competitive in a global market place.
BNN:
Yes it will certainly be a challenge for your managers, not to mention the front line staff...
Fullogarbage:
You were told not to mention them.
BNN:
Yes well that’s why we are not mentioning them.
Fullogarbage:
But you mentioned them.
BNN:
Didn’t.
Fullogarbage:
Did
BNN:
We did not, we said “not to mention,”
Fullogarbage:
Well that’s mentioning. We don’t want them mentioned because they’re a bunch of trouble making, whistle blowing malcontents who will only be encouraged by any media coverage.
BNN:
OK, not the right sort of people to move forward and deliver change then?
Fullogarbage:
Certainly not. Some of them are actually Guardian readers, entirely the wrong sort of people for an enterprise like the one we are building.
BNN:
And would you like to tell our readers what kind of enterprise you are building?
Fullogarbage:
Of course, the merger of a mortgage provider and a blood bank is a very logical progression in a system that is moving from publicly funded health care to a mainly private enterprise system. Under the old regime the blood service was an overhead on the healthcare industry. Because there were no budgetary controls many doctors tended to be profligate, pumping many litres of blood into people who were too old or too ill to make good use of it. Now that we have access to the business skills that existed in Northern Rock we are well into a program of re-engineering all the old, outmoded National Blood Services business processes in order to modernise the way blood is collected and distributed.
BNN:
But surely blood is collected through voluntary donations and distributed according to need.
Fullogarbage:
And therein lies the problem. Nobody has an incentive to be efficient. Our business model includes incentives to blood donors and to hospitals and individual doctors to encourage them to become contributors to our profitability. Do you know the old system only allowed blood donors to donate twice a year. TWICE A YEAR! The human body is a blood making factory. We will initially give air miles each time people donate and once we can negotiate partnerships of mutual advantage with other providers of goods and services, we will introduce our own scheme, blood miles, which people will be able to exchange for CDs, iPods, mobile phones and...
BNN:
But will that not encourage people to donate too often, resulting in health problems?
Fullogarbage:
National Northern Rock Blood fully supports the Government’s policy to make people take more responsibility for themselves. Even as we speak, processes are being put in place to deny health care to people whose problems are self inflicted. Alkies, chimneys and fat bastards have only themselves to blame for their health problems, why should private enterprise healthcare service providers see their profits eroded by such selfish, irresponsible people. If we are to become part of a modern service capable of meeting the needs of a modern post industrial state we cannot risk failing to hit our targets because we are wasting resources on society’s lame ducks.
BNN:
Do you not think these new and frankly quite bizarre ideas my backfire by actually discouraging donors Mr. Fullogarbage?
Fullogarbage:
Absolutely not. There will be some grumblers and complainers of course, but on the whole British people are quite progressive, they welcome change and understand the need to compete in the modern world. And anyway, through our financial arm we hold enough mortgages to enable us to secure blood supplies. When people are faced with a 1% hike in interest if they do not give blood, they will see the advantages of co-operating with us.
BNN:
And finally Mr. Fullogarbage, one part of your business plan that has raised more than a few eyebrows is the proposal to sell blood through supermarkets.
Fullogarbage:
This is a perfectly logical business move but it has been misreported by the more hysterical sections of the media. Once people come to accept the idea that blood is a valuable commodity that must be paid for they will quickly see the advantages of buying their blood products in supermarkets and other retail outlets and storing them in the freezer at home. It is convenient, it saves storage costs and what’s more, people can be sure of getting a grade of blood that fits their financial status and lifestyle.
BNN:
Excuse me Mr. Fullogarbage, are you saying blood will be graded for sale.
Fullogarbage:
Certainly, and why not? If one shops in Waitrose and buys extra double virgin olive oil, one expects the product to be superior to Tesco No Frills cooking oil. If one buys fillet steak from the butchery counter at Fortnum’s one does not expect it to resemble a budget beefburger. All we are doing is extending that simple commercial principle to blood. Thus Harrods will stock specially selected blood from top class athletes and physically perfect individuals as this will appeal to Investment Bankers, entrepreneurs and aristocrats. Lower down the scale, Sainsbury’s and Marks and Spencer will be selling blood taken from professional and executive types, Asda and Tesco will sell the blood of call centre clerks and factory workers, while Lidl and Netto will only supply budget stuff from chavs, pikes and illegal immigrants. Its all entirely appropriate to the modern, market driven society this Labour government is creating.
BNN:
Mr. Fullogarbage, thank you very much indeed, its been a real eye opener.
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