In an interview published in Time Magazine this week the traitor and war criminal Tony Blair tells of how his faith in God helped him make the really tough decisions that leaders sometimes have to make, like the decision to lie through his teeth to sell an illegal war to parliament because supporting the invasion of Iraq would further his personal ambitions.

Some of you may be wondering what can possibly be hard about deciding to condemn thousands of people to death simply to gain personal advantage but we will skip that question for now and talk about Blair’s Faith Foundation which he is launching “to build bridges between the world’s religious faiths. What purpose will these bridges serve you might well ask. Well a future Coalition Of The Willing might find them handy when invading axis of evil nations that are bordered by big rivers.

Mr. Blair says he wants to spend the rest of his life building bridges. We just don’t know how he will find time between picking up a few million pounds a year from lucrative speaking engagements, earning £500,000 as a consultant for J.P. Morgan, and dodging bullets and IEDs as Middle East peace envoy.

So will he really be building inter-faith bridges or is it just a cynical attempt to get more gigs in the American Bible Belt and the Islamic world as nobody else gives a shit.

You can make up your own minds based on the evidence, but to save you a bit of time, the evidence suggests all those one-on-ones with God have not taught Tony Blair a thing about honesty and integrity.

Boggart Blog has never understood how television comedy Sex And The City became such a big thing. We have previously blogged about the sheer unsexiness of the characters and the small-mindedness of the producers who have sued small businesses that opened up with names like Spex And The City or Pets And The City for infringement of copyright.

But while we may throw the odd barb at publicists who try to market Sarah Jessica Parker as some uberhottie who makes all red blooded men want to eat her knickers we would draw the line at some of the things that have been said this week. And then step over it.

For example we would not stoop so low as to even repeat the remark make by a Daily Telegraph film critic who said SJP looked like a “skeletal transvestite.” You would never read anything so unkind in Boggart Blog. Nor would you catch us repeating Piers Morgan’s quip about seeing better looking winos under the arches at Charing Cross.

We should bear in mind that the lady is an actress, there is nothing in the rules that says she has to be good looking; she is not Carrie Bradshaw the character she is best known for portraying. This is a good thing as the fictional Carrie’s boyfriend is known only as big and the real Sarah is so skinny any bloke with a todger thicker than a cocktail stick would surely split her in two.

Forget that though, drama is about suspension of disbelief.

It is totally unfair to suggest, as somebody did, that Ms. Parker is the most repulsive woman in the world and we Boggart Blogger are not the kind of people who would look for cheap laughs by mocking someone’s physical appearance. Let’s look more deeply then at how SJP became known as the world’s least sexy woman.

It all seems to stem from the scene in Tim Burton’s film Ed. Wood. At one point her character asks “Do I really look like a horse?” This prompted online satire mag The Onion to say of her in 2006; “From horse face to household name.”

So does she look like a horse? Far be it from us to comment dear readers, you must decide for yourselves. But don’t offer her a carrot, she’ll have your fingers off.

There was a funeral on today in the village church. An old girl, lived in the village all her life so it would be a good turnout. As I was passing I noted the sexton (Are they still called that?) was putting out the cones in front of the church for the cortege to be able to park.

They were black. Tasteful, eh?

Today We Commented On:

Why Hillary Clinton's supporters will not let her quit

right to die debate

Trixie on the creeping federalisation of Europe

Broadening the dinner party list - Mr. Eugenides on political correctness

Devils kitchen takes up Trixie's comment, creeping federalism in Europe

Iain Dale takes up the cause of democracy against the creeping totalitarianism of Europe

Speaking at the Hay Literary Festival, Hay on Wye, uberbloke Jeremy Clarkson hinted that he might or might not have driven a Bugatti sports car at 186 mph on the Limehouse Link, a stretch of urban motorway in inner London.

Road safety campaigners were on his case at once, claiming he had behaved in a criminally irresponsible manner and calling for his arrest and ritual disembowellment.

What would they have said if Jeremy had mentioned he was flossing his teeth at the time?

Following an incident when a graduating student was injured by a descending mortarboard, a university has advised students that this tradition should be given a miss.

Boggart.blog was able to get hold of a copy of the risk assessment for the forthcoming degree congregation.

Risk Assessment For Degree Congregation, July 26 2008.
To be held in the Guildhall.

The guildhall is a purpose built hall designed to hold over 6oo people. There are four main entrances which are clearly signposted.

Risk factor Low.

Action Needed None.

Emergency exits are clearly signed, all emergency doors were in full working order, although it was noted that one could break a fingernail pushing down and holding down the bar to open the doors.

Risk Factor Low

Action needed. Warning stickers to be applied to all dooors with such openings.

Aisles are wide and carpetted, allowing orderly movement to and from seats, although the incline could prove strenuous for those with heart conditions.

Risk Factor Low

Action needed Warning signs in foyer and notices in the Order of Events. Reserve seating towards the front of the auditorium for those who choose not to tackle the slope.

Steps onto staged area situated to right and left of stage. Graduates will enter the stage from the left, receive their degree and exit to the right. It is imperative that this one way system is adhered to.

Risk Factor Low to Medium

Action needed Directional arrows to show the flow of graduates. Clear no entry signs to be situated in the appropriate place on each set of steps.

Speech by the Director of Studies. Liable to be overlong and incredibly boring. Could lead to instances of fidgeting and mischief or alternatively could induce coma in more susceptible spectators.

Risk Factor High

Students and parents to be given iPods to ease the boredom.

Students throwing mortarboards into the air. You would think they would understand by now that what goes up must come down, especially the physics graduates, but oh no, they do it every year. Risk of injuries caused by falling mortarboards include head and facial lacerations, bruised knuckles sustained whilst trying to catch and/or deflect said mortarboards.

Risk Factor Medium

Action needed. Instruct graduates to refrain from throwing mortarboards. Ensure mortarboards have an impact absorbing surface, perhaps make them out of that rubber stuff they put under play equipment, after all it's usually black.

Champagne reception on the lawns. Marquees will need to be tethered with guy ropes and tent pegs. This could lead to trips and falls. Champagne corks could pop and cause injury. Danger of choking on bones if smoked salmon not filleted properly. Glasses could get broken. Food might be thrown if the graduates consume too much champagne. Food might be thrown up if the graduates consume way too much champagne which they may very well do as it is free.

Risk Factor My god it's an absolute bloody minefield out there. We really should call the whole thing off and send the degrees through the post with a voucher for the local photo shop to do the photos.

We may object to speed traps but they are there for a purpose, to stop those who lack a sense of responsibility from inflicting there speed powered pandemonium upon us innocent law abiding(ish) citizens.
There is a certain sense of justice then in the story of the french protester, who belongs to a group which blow up road speed traps. Unfortunately, whilst assembling his home made bomb he managed to blow both his hands off.
But look on the brightside, at least he'll have to use a hands-free mobile from now on!

During the Parliamentary debate on stem cell research last week we heard a lot about the importance of such experimental work in the quest to curb the degenerative effects of old age, among them bad breath, wrinklyness, incontinence and proliferation of warts. One of the experts supporting the case for stem cell research was Dr. Stephen Minger.

Meanwhile at the end of last week new consumer protection laws were announced which will curb the activities of psychics, faith healers, fortune tellers and mediums. Once the laws take effect, ladies of a certain age who have preternaturally dark hair, wear too much makeup and inappropriately revealing clothes to ply their trade in seaside towns or gingerbread cottages in the woods will be required to state that their services are “for entertainment only.”

The expert brought out to explain the ramifications of this law was Prof. Gary Slapper.

We publish this information to help your should you wish to search out information on these matter. We are not the type of blog that would try to get cheap laughs by making fun of peoples’ names.

When police stopped a young motorist in Wiltshire the lad thought he had gone through a radar trap while breaking the speed limit, ignored a stop sign or committed some other minor motoring misdemeanour.

The problem turned out to be not his driving not his car but his flag. He had folded his Cross of St. George, a relic of some international football embarrassment, and laid it on the parcel shelf to conceal speakers that advertised his car stereo was an expensive and therefore thieving scumbag bait.

So did the police think any driver still carrying a flag that identified them as an England football supporter was a care in the community case not fit to be let loose, especially behind the wheel of a car. Or some psychotic nationalist intent on causing mayhem? Well no, he was actually pulled up because his flag was “racist and likely to offend Muslims.”

All very politically correct except political correctness is supposed to be against racism yet this is blatantly racist. Do you hear of Scottish football fans being nicked for showing the Saltire in their car window, or Welsh Rugby Crowds being asked to hand over their Red Dragons? And what about the Irish flags that proliferate around St. Paddy’s Day.

The incident shows blatant racist against the English.

Some of you may recall the Eddie Izzard routine in which he shows that if a tribe have no flag they are not a proper nation. I think there is a conspiracy between New Labour’s Jockos and Islington PC Mafia to strip us of our nationhood thus bringing a step closer our integration into a Federal Europe run by Les Crapauds and the Sausage Scoffing Sour Krauts.
Well if they want racism Boggart Blog can give them plenty.

Personally I think everyone is entitled to display any flag they like. The flag of Pakistan shown on many cars in towns like Accrington does not offend any one (there are nutters who would be offended only they don’t know what it is.) We do not have a large contingent of right wing wonks like those in the USA currently campaigning to have the display of any flag other than the Stars and Stripes made illegal. They have not thought it through as each of the fifty states has its own flag.

I don’t like the flag of St. George, it is a Crusader flag dedicated to a mythical Balkan Warrior. And it looks wussy against the Welsh Dragon or the bold colours favoured by the Scots and Irish. We should return for our English flag to the Plantagenet lion, it sends out the right kind of message especially to the conspiratorial Jockos and treacherous New Labour collaborators.

“We’re the English and we’re well hard so don’t mess with us.”

News story from This Is Wiltshire

The Daily Referendum - This Is Your Pilot Speaking

Tameside Mafia - James Purnell Ides of MayChickentown -

Conventional Wisdon American Style

The Liberati - In the wake of Crewe the imminent death of the Lib Dems is being predicted again.

Times Online Red Box - MPs Expenses Just what are the grabbing buggers asking us to pay for.

There's No One Quite Like Nan Goldin Goldin's work, featuring the sleazy side of life was shocking in the 1980s but seems quite everyday now. Maby we do need a new Mary Whitehouse to put the fun back in FILTH!

Iain Dale - Filth Filth and more Filth from the BBC Iain Dale cops some free traffic by alluding to the Mary Whitehouse thing. We do the same by linking his blog back to our FILTH post.

The European Space Agency is advertising in the national press for.....ASTRONAUTS. The advert lists no formal qualifications but does require applicants to be highly motivated, flexible, emotionally stable(?) and gregarious. It also welcomes applications from women, but obviously not of child bearing age or menopausal as these two states completely negate the emotionally stable bit.
BoggartBlog has managed to get hold of a supporting letter from one of the aspiring candidates.

I am a brite artikulate hi-ly motivated person who can in spyer my workmates. and who all ways gives the best of my self at skool I got lots of GCSE's' two meny two cownt reeally and some B TECs and. some NVcuse i got all the proper 1s that the guvurnment wont you to get and I got some uvvers two so i think i would be good at being an
astronaut in the past i have worked in space ecsplorashun my first job was captin of Fireball XL6 this was a bit of a let down cos we often had trubble getting it lornched but it wasn't, my fault my frend steve zodiac did orlrite in the uvver rocket XL5 from their i was recrooted by mRtracey to pielot Thunderbird3 and man the spacestayshun )tb5( wen his boys cudnt do it like wen thay was on hollyday
or purly this gayv me ecsspeeryns of wurking wiv aMerIcans and from they,re i joynd the USS Enterprize wurking wiv captinslog and missterspok on a 5 yr misshon two seek owt nu life and nu sivillizashuns and two fined the final frunt ear that captinslog wos all ways on abowt then i whent two wurk 4 the mpraw he was bilding a big nu space ship corld the deaf star it was daft vaders i'dea and they needed sum one to fly it and they herd how gud i was and they sent a robot to fined me wiv a messaje from daft and the mpraw and a prinses and look sky warker but han so low wos gelus and he tryd to stop us and thair wos a big fite and the deaf star got brok and so that is y i am appliing to work for u.

Advance publicity for “FILTH!” a dramatised version of the Mary Whitehouse story starring Julie Walters and coming (oops, pardon!) to a television near you has predictably aroused (oops, pardon!) the holier-than-thou brigade to start ranting about how we need a new Mary Whitehouse to protect the nation’s morals. Any mention of “FILTH!” in the media tends to make the legions of the narrow minded come over Mary Whitehouse (oops, pardon!)

For those too young to remember, Mary Whitehouse was the clean up TV campaigner who found fame in the nineteen sixties by convincing a few silly people that public morals were being corrupted by the tide of FILTH! streaming from our television sets.

The moral majority, as Mrs. Whitehouse liked to refer to herself, did not want FILTH! on television, they wanted decent family entertainment; acrobats, juggles, children’s programmes presented by poufs and virgins, Scottish Country Dancing, animal programmes. and hymn singing, lots of hymn singing. Ironically there was never more filth onscreen in one show than in the episode of Blue Peter where a baby elephant was brought onto the set and shat itself.

Most people in the country, the immoral majority you might say, wanted to see sex, violence, nudity, bad language, smut, innuendo and sexist, racist comedy. And a bit of Scottish country dancing but only at New Year when we were very very drunk. As it turned out, members of the organisation formed by Mary Whitehouse wanted to watch all that too. So avidly did they watch the FILTH! in fact that their letters of complaint would detail how many times each “bad word” had been used, the number of seconds bare breasts and bottoms were on view and give graphic descriptions of the simulated sex. Strangely none complained about the racism and sexism of shows like Til Death Do Us Part or Love Thy Neighbour.

For Mary Whitehouse and her supporters it was not a matter of simply being disgusted; they had to be seen to be disgusted. They were outraged at the sight of Helen Mirren’s knockers or Hywel Bennett’s bum but loved the twee, cosy racism of The Black and White Minstrel Show. White men blacked up, prancing about waving their hands and singing in comic accents (De Camptown races fahv mil’ lon’ doo dah, doo dah...” good wholesome family fun.

Modern Whitehouse revivalists have another source of FILTH! to attack. Now they can claim the Internet as well as television is pouring a steam of obscenity, pornography, violence and fart – lighting action into our homes. The remedy is the same as it always was however. If you don’t want to watch, nobody is forcing you to.

Meanwhile, as far as the rest of us are concerned, the message that needs to be sent to television executives is this:
What do we want? FILTH!
When do we want it? NOW!

As new police powers to stop teenagers and confiscate their knives, knuckle-dusters, tasers and AK47s came into force, the Politically Correct Police have been quick to criticise the anticipated crackdown.

“This will only antagonise young people even further, the PC brigade whined, wringing their hands in despair as they imagine the trauma a young hoodie might suffer were his knife, gun or RPG launcher confiscated.

Have the PC people no brains.?(You don’t need to answer that, they are all psychologists, social workers or New Labour supporters.)

If the streets are full now with little shits running round stabbing each other how much more alienated could they possibly be.

TODAY WE COMMENTED ON:

Was the Grand Canyon leap a fake? It looked very photoshopped to me.

Unfuzzy math, the case for Obama U.S. reporter Michael Tomasky offers "a cold logical analysis of how Barak Obama cannot be beaten. Boggart Blog's Ian exposees it as more wishful thinking by supporters of The Politican of Oz with his package of hopes, dreams and visions.

Two senior Judges in the Immigration Court, Mohammed Khan and “Judge J” whose identity is protected by a court order (would any other married woman caught doing a bit of illicit shagging be treated with such consideration we wonder?) have been reprimanded for injudiciously employing an illegal immigrant as a cleaner and triggering a sex scandal.
The Judge’s lack of judgement came to light when the cleaner, Roselane Driza, stole two sex videos the pair had made and tried to blackmail them.
Judge Khan (61) and Judge J who is in her fifties (both old enough to know better then) refused to pay which led to the Brazilian cleaner making public allegations about their sex life.
After a lot of legal wrangling the case has now been quietly swept under the carpet. Khan has retired and Judge J is on extended sick leave.
So what could possibly have been on those video tapes that the Home Office feel the need to keep them out of the news and in the closet alongside the two judges’ collection of whips, second skin body suits, gimp masks and assorted fetish gear?
Boggart Network News dispatched our “airy spirit” ace investigative reporter to find out. He reports back that as we hoped, the legal lovers were at it in their judicial robes and wigs.

A man and his wife were watching Graham Norton. They began to argue over some phone messages. The man stormed upstairs to the bedroom and got his loaded shotgun. Presumably in a fit of temper he banged the gun on the floor, at which point it went off, shooting him in the groin and fatally wounding him.

The moral of the story is, boys, if your weapon is loaded, be careful how you handle it, it could go off unexpectedly.

A woman on the Vienna subway was talking loudly on her mobile phone. A fellow passenger complained about the noise level. Quick as a flash the woman whipped out her pepper spray and counter attacked, injuring herself and 18 others, some of them children. The man was unhurt.

And that ladies is why you should not use your mobile and drive at the same time, it makes you incompetant.

All week on television I have been seeing tailers for the next episode of the SAS action drama Ultimate Force. And I have a question about the show.

Why does Ross Kemp have a tampax in his ear?

TODAY WE COMMENTED ON:

iNDEXED - Mass cannibaism

Predictions for Crewe

Clinton to the Convention

Former conservative leader and front runner in the race to be the baldest politician in Britain, Ian Duncan Smith who is perhaps even better known because his initials are almost the same as an embarrassing medical problem has put himself back in the news. He thinks children need fathers and so has tabled an amendment to the Human Embryo and Fertilisation Bill requiring that fertility clinics be prevented from offering IVF treatment to lesbian couples who want to have a baby.

“Girls brought up by a traditional heterosexual couple are less likely to become pregnant in their teens because they learn from their fathers it is possible to have a loving relationship with a man without sex being involved,” IDS said while speaking in parliament in support of his amendment.

Poor chap, he has never really been in touch with what is going on in the world and has obviously not heard about the bloke with the cellar in Austria.

Enough of poking fun at the ineptitude of former Tory leaders though. You want to hear about pub closures.

Another Conservative, John Bercow, who does not belong to the part’s Not In My Back Yard tendency probably because he spends most of his time at his second home in the country and so does not care what is going on in his backyard, had this to say:

“I know of a lesbian couple who went to a clinic to ask about IVF and were told to go to a pub and find a man.”

This demonstrates how important it is to grant lesbian couples access to IVF treatment as once in order to save the livelihoods of many pub landlords. What man in his right mind would want to drink in a pub if he was in constant fear of being molested by rampant lesbians intent on extracting a sperm sample.

MORE GREAT HUMOUR EVERY DAY FROM BOGGART BLOG

Parliament debated the hybrid embryo clause of the human fertility bill yesterday and despite the irrational and superstitious fears of boy scientists cult leader Ben Goldacre* that our elected representative “do not understand science” and therefore were not qualified to debate the bill, the clause was passed into law. All Goldacre proved is that he understands neither science not democracy. But enough of him, on to the debate.

One of the main speakers for the Conservatives was Edward Leigh who thinks it is unethical to create human embryos for research. He accused supporters of the clause of trying to blind people with science. Nobody was sharp enough to accuse Mr. Leigh of trying to blind the House with nonscience. When somebody interrupted his speech to say no-one was proposing to create viable monsters from hybrid embryos Mr. Leigh replied that red herrings were being brought up.

Was he suggesting that mothers were carrying half human, half fish embryos to full term and giving birth to them? We all remember Billy the Fish in Viz, but surely he was fiction... Wasn’t he? When you think about it though there are still a few guys around with mullets. Could it be when the scientists say hybrid embryos would not be capable of maturing they are not telling us everything.

Mr Leigh however is not holding anything back. In one bound he leapt from Billy the Fish to chimpanzees, Russian Scientists and football fans.

“Some years ago,” he told the house, “Soviet scientists created a humanzee but it did not survive.”

Boggart Blog want to assure you this is not just a scare story but it shows how far Russia is behind the west in this field. If you really are interested in seeing human / chimp hybrids all you have to do is go to any West Ham United home game.

* There was really no need to mention Ben Golacre by name here, but we’ve noticed the sad act Googles his own name about six times a day and so turns up in any comment thread (using a false name – he forgets I’m a web expert) where I have made fun of him. Just jerking his lead to bring him to heel :-)

I'm sure you all have, at some point, been on the receiving end of a government department's letters, if only when they were telling you that they had lost yours and 17 million other peoples' personal data, which had been stored on a disc and sent in the post, or by courier, to a new destination 6 months ago but which they have only just dicscovered did not arrive.
I don't know if it is just me but I do find the tone of these letters invariably patronising.

" We need to make sure that we continue to pay you the right amount of Child Benefit.

Please read the notes we have sent with this form. They tell you what changes you must tell us about and will help you to complete pages 3 and 4 of this form.
You can tell us about changes by phone or in writing. Our phone number and address are shown at the top of this form. The phone number is the one with numbers and no letters, the address is mostly letters. If we thought you could tell your left from your right we would have included that helpful information too.
Oh, hang on, we also have two(2) other lines of letters and numbers. Oh dear, perhaps you had better take this form along to the post office where one of the helpful people behind the cou