On reading that the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill now on it’s way through Parliament will allow women to be impregnated by Posthumous Sperm my first thought was to find out who this Posthumous Sperm person might be and why he is particularly qualified to impregnate women. It is after all a job many of us blokes would be well up for if we were given the chance.
(As I read out my preamble to fatsally I notice young Boggart Blog Cub reporter bouncing around in his chair and shouting “me, me, I’ll do it, where can I get an application form.
Unfortunately for him and other hopefuls, the government seems set on making Posthumous Sperm the official impregnator. So who is he?
The name could have come from a Dickens or Mark Twain novel; Dickens’ Posthumous Sperm would be a pompous lawyer while Twain’s sounds more like a Mississippi Riverboat gambler or a snake oil salesman. As fictional creatures though it is doubtful either would have the necessary tools to complete the task. We looked further afield but still drew a blank.
Then it struck me, maybe Posthumous Sperm was an honorific rather than a name, a relic of the name given to the priest who impersonated Ra as his sister Isis impregnated herself from his corpse after Set, Lord of Darkness had murdered him.
This would put the name Posthumous Sperm alongside The Green Man, Lord of the Woods, Master of Revels, Lord of Misrule, Lobby Ludd, all traditions in which a likely lad was selected to lead an orgiastic fertility rite.
So why is Parliament suddenly interested?
I concluded they are clearing the way for one of those pagan traditions to be updated as a new reality TV show for Simon Cowell’s production company. Just think, it is a natural progression from X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent.
The opening show would feature auditions in which Mr. Potato Head no–hopers tried to impress a panel of judges by reciting their best chat – up lines.
In the next rounds the contestants could face sexy tasks, eating a dozen oysters, knocking one off the wrist while looking at a picture of Heather Mills Medusa, seducing a nun etc.
For the final, the hopefuls could have a weight attached to their willie and then be brought to arousal by a sex therapist or high class hooker, the winner being the one who lifted the weight highest.
The action would have to be filmed behind a backlit white screen so it was only visible in silhouette, but intercut with shots of Simon looking bored, Amanda Holden wide eyed and slack jawed and Piers Morgan smirking as he thinks of another way to irritate Simon, it would be great television.
I have said for a long time politicians are in the pocket of big business. I think this proves it.
TODAY WE COMMENTED ON:
Crooks and Liars - Who Should Be Vice President
15/05/08 @ 16:38