As the government prepares to launch its biggest and most expensive alcohol awareness campaign yet, Boggart Network News decided to get out in the streets and find out how alcohol aware the ordinary punters are. Here the BNN team report their findings.
The first person we spoke to was Darren Chavver (16.) Darren had this to say : Al’col, yeah, cider, kewel, Mr Raj at the Open All Hours Offie don’t need 2 C no I.D. He just say if NE 1 ask, you didn’t get it here, OK?
We then asked Darren if he knew how many units of alcohol a litre bottle of cider contains. When we had convinced him the question was nothing to do with a SATS assessment he said it was probably about seven... or two million.
We then approached Mandy Slapper who was staggering around with a can of extra strong lager clutched in her hand. She agreed to talk to us provided we let her get her tits out for the boys.
We asked : “How many of those do you get through in an average night,”
This is what she told us: “Just the one normally, but if I’m well bladdered some other bloke might slip me one and I will not even remember the morning after. I don’t do gang bangs though, I’m not common. Although if I meet a footballer and he wants his mates to join in, well that’s different innit? Cos they’re celebrities. And they puts me on You Tube.
Mandy was asked if she knew there were two units in each can of her favourite lager. “Gerroutofit,” she replied, “you’re having a laugh, she said to our reporter, I done a few soldiers in my time but I ain’t no squaddies groundsheet.”
When we spoke to Mr. D. M. Readers who was buying Bulgarian Cabernet Sauvignon in Booze Busters, asking what he thought of binge drinking, he had quite a lot to say.
“I blame these Poles who are coming over in their millions, claiming benefits, taking our jobs, flooding the country with cheap vodka. And windfarms, putting those monstrosities in the backyards of decent people who just want to live a quiet life and get an British plumber to mend their pipes, its an outrage. The whole country had gone to pot, there was even a chap in my Avenue growing the stuff in his greenhouse. Outrageous behaviour.
And talking of outrageous behaviour I heard a noise in my front garden one night last week; when I looked out of the bedroom window there was one of these hoodies urinating URINATING mind you, on my geraniums. I called out, Hey you, stop that, I will not stand for anti-social behaviour, not in my back yard. Do you know what the little guttersnipe said? He said ‘Good job I’m in your front garden then.” No respect for anything the young.
When we enquired if Mr. Reader was aware of the alcohol content in his wine, he replied, the problem with this country is there are too many lefties poking their noses into people’s private lives, why don’t you go and report some real news.
Finally we sought the opinion of Mr. Frank Skank who sits on a bench outside the town hall discussing philosophy with his mates. When we asked Mr. Skank if he was aware his diet of fix three litres of cider diluted with meths and six slices of toast every day could have profound effects on his long term health he told us this: Listen...yeah...like...yeah...listen, each man is but a poor player who gazes into the abyss and then the abyss gazes into him and tells him to piss off. So you might as well have a drink and a spliff right. Got any spare change.
Clearly then the public are very aware of the potential dangers of alcohol. They just don’t give a shit.