Our elected representatives are getting their knickers in a right old twist (again) over binge drinking. Having relaxed licensing laws to make cheap booze available 24/7 in supermarkets (which made the supermarkets very happy) they are now complaining that hospital A & E facilities are inundated with people who having poisoned themselves, fallen over the dog and smashed their skulls or marinate their livers are a bunch of irresponsible ingrates. So it seems as usual we are to blame for the failures of government.

Having made all this cheap booze available to help us swell the bank balances of Messrs. Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury, Morrisson and Herr Aldi (but not Joe Landlord who runs the Rose and Crown) the Government want to bully and frighten us into forswearing the demon drink or at least not objecting to huge tax increases that will swell the Treasury’s bank balance and allow more MPs to employ their kids to go to University or to buy houses and rent them back to themselves.

“DRINK!” they thunder, “is a killer Alcohol is a poison. Bottles should carry a skull and crossbones label and a Government Heath Warning that says THIS BOTTLE CAN KILL.”

The bottle probably can kill if someone hits you over the head with it. As for Skull and Crossbones labels, isn’t that the logo of a famous brand of Rum (as drunk by Pirates?) Members of Parliament are almost unanimous in their condemnation of the sale of cheap booze by supermarkets to you and me. We are binge drinkers you see, getting rat-arsed of a Friday and Saturday night when we know there is no work to worry about the next morning. You don’t hear anything about clampdowns on the availability of cheap booze in the Houses of Parliament where MPs and Lords can booze 24/7 and fine wines, rare old malts and vintage Brandies are heavily discounted.

Perhaps the answer is to give us all jobs on 100k per year where we only have to turn up, shout “hear hear” or “resign” occasionally and follow any instructions we are given by the party dominatrices sorry whips. If we had jobs like that we would not have to binge drink at weekends or bother with cheap booze from supermarkets; we could imbibe fine wines, single malts and vintage brandies, take it steadily and grow stupendously large livers.

The crux of this argument, it being an issue promoted by Labour, is economic. They are in a funk about the possible cost to the NHS of caring for millions of booze – raddled middle aged alkies and how this will affect the sale price when they come to flog off hospitals in job lots to American private healthcare companies.

If they would only look at the big picture, it is better to care for someone for the couple of years it takes cirrhosis to kill them than for the decade or so that dementia takes to carry them off.

Pass the supermarket vodka.

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