Fatsally beat me to the puch with this story so I had to come up with something whackier.
There is a proposal being floated in Cardiff that the city should solve its binge drinking problem by redesigning streets so they are more user friendly for dunks. In a study released this week “scientists” (well it would be wouldn’t it?) suggest that accidents and violence could be reduced if the street layouts are changed to be more accommodating to the rat – arsed revellers and paralytic pedestrians that throng the thoroughfares of a Friday night.
Now let’s just set aside the question how many sozzled scientists and legless logicians had to stagger and lurch around the streets of Cardiff in order to carry out this study. Instead let us start by asking what makes a street user friendly for drunks. Moving pavements that take two steps forward and on back? (anyone who has ever had far too much to drink will recognise this stride pattern,) Rubber paving for a soft landing when people fall? Bendy bollards and lamposts? Rounded corners on all the buildings.
And how will sober people fare in such streets, not everybody likes to drink a lot when they go out but will drunk – friendly mean abstemious hostile?
Once again we see that the scientists have spent a lot of money on a project that they just have not thought through properly. This is rather worrying when you remember that thinking is what a scientists job is all about.

On the other hand scientists are well known for not having a firm grip on reality so could there be a hidden agenda here, some covert conehead conspiracy, a key component in yet another mad scientist's bid for world domination? If we remember that a request to a bunch of scientists for a system capable of controlling climate change they will produce a report detailing very precisely what will happen if you force feed a rat with Turkey Twizzlers, could they have been asked to propose a way of making Cardiff safer for drunks and actually created a scheme to turn the town centre into a giant human pinball game.
Something like this:
Drunk staggers out of pub, team of scientists give him a kick up the arse and watch as he bounces around on spring loaded bollards, barriers, signposts and wheelie bins until he either disappears into the bus station or falls in the harbour.

Now it is all starting to make sense...

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