The best totally useless but slightly amusing Christmas gift of the year is an upside down Christmas Tree from John Lewis.

The artificial tree stands on its tip, the end where the fairy usually sits while the more commodious base is now available for said fairy to perch herself. The tree must be sheer bliss for Christmas Tree fairies who have a bit of a big old arse on them, hell you could even sit Michelle Obama on top of such a tree if she came to visit and that woman has one broad bottom.

The prospect of relief for lardarse fairies is not the tree’s unique selling point though, there is much better to come from your upside down tree. The John Lewis catalogue points out that it requires much less floor space than a right way up tree (but much more ceiling space we must assume) and an upside down tree will “let your baubles hag better.”

On the baubles score I’ll stick with the snug support provided by my jockey briefs. I’ve never been a fan of dangling baubles.

Other items on this years essential “I WANT ONE NOW!” list include a thief proof coffee mug, a motorised spaghetti spoon for really lazy bastards and a banana guard to stop your banana being crushed if you sit on it.

We felt we should give all these excellent products a plug – well except for the thief proof coffee mug because it already has one which you remove before leaving it unattended. Then when the coffee mug thief nicks it and makes their first brew the coffee all drains out over their clothes. Practical eh?

More humour every day in Boggart Blog

Read yet another idiot coming ove all sentimental about the "origins of Christmas" without once mentioning the glorious pagan Solstice festivities of gluttony, binge drinking and sexual licence on Huffington Post: Every Time You hear An Accordion

Meanwhile David Mitchell says "I Like Christmas." He does too, an admirably for all the right reasons, gluttony, debauchery, sloth etc.

Christmas Fear - The Government killjoys are trying to put a damper on things by spreading feat and panic about dangerous toys, unstable Christmas trees and..........wait for it..........exploding gravy!

Exploding gravy? Where can we get some?