Did Snail Porridge Kill The Fat Duck
Conehead chef Heston Blumenthal the culinary alchemist and gourmet cook who gave the world such dubious delights as snail porridge has suffered the indignity of having his best known restaurant, The Fat Duck at Bray in Buckinghamshire, closed by the local environmental health department. News of the celebrity chef's embarrassment reached us yesterday and we sent our top newshounds to investigate.
For two weeks punters have been putting in complaints that the day after eating at The Fat Duck they have suffered Bray belly, a Home Counties version of Delhi belly with stomach cramps, vomiting and the squitters.
After the environmental health inspectors failed to find a cause although complaints continued to be thrown up along with food, officials had no alternative but to close the restaurant. Stool samples have been demanded from all the staff. If you didn't have any misgivings about what might go into snail porridge you will now. But let's not get into spreading fear and panic, the problem is simply someone with a bad case of piles forgetting to wash their hands after scratching their arse.
All the suggested causes so far though are based on unsubstantiated allegations. No likely culprit has been identified.
As usual when these mysteries arise we consulted our resident team of experts. Cookery correspondent Marge A. Ryan said cooking food properly rather than simply waving a blowlamp at it might help while betting guru John McIrritant says Snail Porridge looks the best bet.
Our editors advice though is to stick with pie and chips at the local greasy spoon.
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