Britainís Got Talent reappeared on our television screens last night, setting out to prove that real talent is scarce but what Britain does have in abundance is mentalists.

The nutters are what the show is all about really so in the early rounds anyone who does have talent will be kept well hidden by Mr. Cowell and Co. What did we see instead?

Well there was a bloke came on and announced himself as a break dancer . When the music started he just stood and waved his arms about like the crowd at a Robbie Williams concert when Robbie is singing Angels.

Another bizarre act was a man who ate Ferrero Rocher chocolates. He said he was going to set a world records for eating the greatest number of Ferrero Rocher in a minute. He only managed four. I donít know what the record stands at but I guess there are people in Texas who could eat a full box in well less than a minute. If you know what I mean.

A woman dressed as a witch came on stage. She was wearing a pointy hat and joke teeth. At least I thought they were joke teeth but it turned out they werenít. Pity, they were the most entertaining thing about her act. Nobody quite knew what her act involved and I guess she didnít either. The panel thought she was crap too but when they told her so she put a curse on them. That was really frightening, they turned into Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and Simon Cowell lookalikes. Kids will have nightmares about that for weeks.

Another act that mystified the audience was a man who did impressions of trees. Enough said.

About a million dance troupes of varying degrees of incompetence trooped across the stage. The most memorable was a bunch of pensioners who had been dancing together for ten years without having learned the idea of a dance troupe is everyone dances to the same tune.

Biggest cheer of the night went to a big girl who did a striptease and actually got íem out. It could have been a recruiting ploy by the Chastity League. Fortunately the sfx boys covered her pendulous bits with cgi Union Flags.

The pick of last nights bunch though, the prime candidate for being banged up somewhere he could not be a danger for himself or others was a guy who dressed as a pirate, rode onto the stage on a motorbike and proceeded to chop up fruit with a chainsaw. He was thrown out of the talent contest but has a great chance of winning The Turner Prize for Modern Art.

This article is an exception to the Boggart Blog rule in that it is straight, factual reporting. None of it is made up. You just couldn't make this stuff up.

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