It is quite a long time since we reported on the schism in the Church Of England. You might well think the final disintegration of Henry VIII’s project had been postponed. Or maybe you though it was Boggart Blog out tabloiding the red tops again by blowing up a rumour into a big story.
Well you would be wrong. The Schism is going ahead at the usual pace that change happens in The Church Of England. Anglicans have ever been experts at doing nothing slowly so doing something as big as splitting into two or more churches is going to take … well not quite eternity, only God is eternal and even then we are not necessarily talking about the God of cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off, bourbon creams if you’re feeling a bit racy, and more tea vicar?
The Church’s problems seen to centre on disagreement over its attitude to homosexuals. While the liberal faction, like the Labour Party, tend to the view that homosexuality is a sacred obligation the evangelical Anglicans think any man who wears a pastel coloured shirt should have bamboo shoots planted under his fingernails, his penis nailed to a coffee table, sulphuric acid pumped up the hole in his bottom and be imprisoned in a dungeon with beige walls.
With so little distance between their positions we would think the two sides ought to be able to reach an amicable compromise.
Leading this move towards a firmer line on the treatment of homosexuals is an organisation called FCA, the Fellowship Of Confessing Anglicans. What’s to confess? Has being and Anglican become a crime without my noticing. I mean, being a pagan I thought I would be the one being thrust into a wicker man and set alight but as usual it seems Chistians are more enthusiastic about attacking each other.
Perhaps at meeting members of the FCA have to stand up and say “My name is Ralph and I’m an Anglican.” They then learn to line dance and become a twelve-stepper.
The FCA say liberal attitudes are undermining the authority of the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Church’s moral message.
Maybe so but won’t banning homosexuals result in the Church losing half its clergymen?
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Sir,
while I find "bamboo shoots planted under his fingernails, his penis nailed to a coffee table, sulphuric acid pumped up the hole in his bottom" absolutely acceptable, I disagree with the dungeon having "beige walls"! 'Beige walls' torture is too cruel!