I love that word “crackfart” don’t you? They certainly knew how to turn a fine insult in the eighteenth century. Crackfart is like “gobshite” which I have always used but I’ve been fancying a change.

So who is “The crackfart of the financial firmament” you might well ask.

He is none other than Alvin Hall an American money management pundit who pops up on television all the time telling us to cut up our credit cards, use the bog paper at least three times and eat lots of cabbage because it is really really cheap. It may be pure coincidence but “cabbage shitter” is another antique profanity, this time of medieval provenance.

Another financial crackfart is a man called Martin Lewis, not the newsreaders but the bank statement reader who keeps track of every penny that passes through his hands. Martin at least “knows his onions” according to my wife. Well he would, onions are always cheap. He also knows his carrots and Brussels Sprouts and, I’d be willing to wager, could tell you the individual cost of each frozen pea in a packet of Bird’s Eyes best. But though Martin is sad he is not irritatingly patronising like Alvin.

At the moment Alvin is spreading fear and panic (on behalf of Gordon Brown no doubt) about the way we are all not saving for our retirement. Alvin thinks that with warnings of hyper inflation and imminent collapse of currency and stock markets widely predicted we should be thinking about putting money into pension schemes before we think about putting food in our bellies.

WHAT PLANET HAS THIS CABBAGE - SHITTING CRACKFART BEEN LIVING ON?

Does this self – proclaimed money expert not know what happened to the money ploughed into pension schemes by those of us hoodwinked into signing up in the 1980s? If you stretched yourself to start a pension twenty-five years ago you would now be likely to get back somewhat less that the total amount you paid in. Your money would have done better in the bog standard Post Office Savings Account your granny opened the day you were born. If you take into account inflation and what the government and banks have stolen along the way you will be lucky to have enough to pay your bus fare home from the bank when you go to draw your money out.

Oh yes, when they sell an investment plan they never mention the effects of inflation or the big fat fee they charge for sending you a yearly statement. So when we mug punters finally claim our savings we learn the hard way we would have been better off putting our money on a 500-1 outsider in The Grand National. So when you hear any “expert” extolling the virtues of saving, remember saving is a mugs game.

The Dickens character Wilkins Micawber had financial planning sussed. He said, “Annual income Twenty Pounds, annual expenditure Nineteen Pounds, Nineteen Shillings and Sixpence; result happiness. Annual income Twenty Pounds, Annual expenditure Twenty Pounds and Sixpence; result misery.

Money experts my arse. These crackfarts are paid to scare us into trusting the banks. But why do you think the whole banking and finance industry and the politicians get so worked up about fraudsters like Bernie Madoff (with all the money) or Alan Stanford? I’ll tell you. It’s because they are afraid these characters may start blabbing and reveal to us poor mug punters the whose financial sector is nothing but a giant Ponzi scheme. The crackfarts and cabbage shitters never had any intention of investing our money. They just spend it all on champagne and Ferraris.

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