As the shockwaves from the dodgy donor scandal continued to reverberate through the Conservative Party hierarchy over funds donated by non domiciled businessman Lord Ashcroft who for tax reasons does not live in Britain although for convenience he lives in Britain most of the time, we at Boggart Network News were overcome with a sense of failure and shame at the way we let ourselves be scooped by mainstream media on this story.
After the Non Dom scandal broke last weekend it quickly became clear "Lord" Ashcroft was not the only non domiciled dodgy donor to try and buy an hon... oops, pardon, nearly libelled someone then, to try and help the a political Party. Responding to rumours that unpleasant Third World dictators and people whose links with UK political organisations are disguised by use of proxy donors, people who live in cyberspace, and shell companies whose registered global headquarters is a sandy atoll in a Pacific archipelago we sent an investigative reporting team to do some digging . Out on the streets trying to trace the Labour Party?s mysterious donors our Parliamentary Correspondent Polly Tickle followed a trail that led to Mr Hieronymus Scabby.
We interviewed the reclusive Mr. Scabby at his home, a cardboard box in Victoria Railway Arches, Manchester and put these questions to him.
BNN:
Mr. Scabby, first of all thank you for agreeing to talk to Boggart Network News.
Scabby:
Fank you, fank you sir for caring about a old soldier, you?re a gennelman sir, a gennelman and a scholar. Two bottles of gin is more?n generous sir, ?scuse me ? business calls:
ANY SPARE CHANGE FOR A HOLD SOWJER SIR, BUY A HOLD SOWJER A CUP OF TEA.
THANK YOUR SIR VERY KIND, THANK YOU, GOD BELSS YOU.
Garn gerrahtof it yer smug bastard, thirty two pence, that?s a hinsult, I ?opes you get the pox from that hoor you meets every Thursday.
Sorry bout that, got me image to think of. PR innit? They gives more if they thinks I'm m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah!
BNN:
I was about to ask how you come to be a major donor to the Labour Party when you appear to be living - ahem - rough?
Scabby:
Labour party, is that like when a new mother gits her mates round after havin? the baby and they cooks up the afterbirth for supper. Delicious with a few fava beans and a good Chianti that Hugh Fartley -Wittingwossname says. Yeah, I read about all that in a copy of The Guradian I slept under for a month. Gone right down the pan, The Guardian, since they gone on that there Burlesquer size. Ain?t long enough to keep yer cobblers warm now you see.
BNN:
Actually I was talking about Labour, the political party.
Scabby:
Politicians, I hates ?em. Bunch of bastards. Mind you if they wants to buy me a donor I?ll not turn ?em down. Gift ?orse in the mouf an? all that. Very partial to a doner I am, wiv a nice drop o' gin to wash it down. ?Scuse, business...
GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE SIR BUY A HOLD SOLDIER A CUP O TEA SIR, FANK YOU FANK YOU SIR MOST KIN.... ?ERE WOTS THIS, TEN PEE, OO THE EFFIN? ?ELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EH? TEN PEE. YOU FINK YOU?RE BETTER ?N THE LIKES O?ME, WELL LET ME TELL YOU MY LAD, I FOUGHT A WAR SO YOU COULD ?AVE YER FANCY CLOTHES AND YOUR PERFORMANCE BONUS. I LOST A LEG AT GOOSE GREEN SO THE LIKES O? YOU COULD EAT HINGLISH BEEF INSTEAD OF FRAY BENTOS. GAR GERRAHTOFIT YER BASTARD.
BNN:
Mr Scabby, look here?s a couple of pounds, let?s just get on with the interview.
Scabby:
Very kind, very kind. I got a business to run you know. Can?t afford to let up not wiv my haspirational lifestyle. Always puts business first. Me and that Alan Sugar. What about him eh? That Alan Sugar? He's m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah!
BNN:
Quite so. But you said you lost a leg at Goose Green yet you appear to have two legs now.
Scabby:
So. Never said it were my leg I lost. Nicked it of an Argie to bring home as a gift for Mrs. Fatcher, she was m-m-m-m
BNN:
Mad?
Scabby:
Who says I'm m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah!
BNN:
No, not you. Mrs Thatcher.
Scabby:
Lovely woman, lovely woman.God Bless Her. She'd of sorted that Blair fella out, she'd of showed him. He was bonkers you know, totally m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah!
BNN:
What happened to the leg you stole of an Agentinian soldier to give to Mrs Thatcher as a gift?
Scabby:
I was going to give it to her to show the nation's gratitude but I put it down to load me rifle and a Albatross stole it.
BNN:
That really is tragic Mr. Scabby. Is it not a little dishonest though to pretend you lost one of your legs.
Scabby:
Its not a lie, I?m not lying, presentation is all. Am I responsible for the interpretation people put on my words?
BNN:
Indeed, but we need to move on, Mr. Scabby can you tell me how you, a erm ? tramp, can be the third biggest independent supporter of the Labour Party. All the others are non domiciled millionaires.
Scabby:
Yeah I'm non domiciled alright. This is where I live. See a domicile do yer? A cardboard box is where I live.
BNN:
But do you donate funds to the Labour Party
Scabby:
No, he says I?m not to talk about it.
BNN:
Who says, Mr. Scabby? Do you have any contact with a Scotsman, mid fifties, about six feet tall, dark hair going grey, heavily built.
Scabby:
If you mean the one who gave me a key to a property locker a few months back and makes sure there?s two new bottles of Gin waitin? in there every Monday and Friday. No, I don?t know ?im. He's m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah!
BNN:
And did this Scotsman you don?t know ask you to sign anything for him.
Scabby:
Oh no, no no no, I never signed anything for him. its the other one I signs bits of paper for, silver haired bloke with comedy eyebrows.
BNN:
Is he mad?
Scabby:
Who say's I'm m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah! I ain't see, I got a certificate to prove it. It says I'm clinically sane. No this comedy eyebrows geezer gets me to sign bits of paper.
BNN:
And have you any idea what you are signing Mr Scabby? Do you know what you are putting your name to?
Scabby:
Are you suggesting I'm barmy? Eh? Are you suggesting I'm off me head? You smug bastards with yer smart clothes and yer blackberry and yer clever double talking ways. Oh yes, you're alright with yer loft apartment and yer plasmagorical television and yer Nissan Range Rover. Pieces o? paper, I was signing pieces of paper on be'alf of Offshore Political Slush Ltd a Cayman Hislands Company of which I is a director of. Up yours, you smug twat, think you're too clever for the likes of me do yer, think you're better'n me, you think you're somebody you do. Well let me tell you, I'm as good as you so you can't talk to me like that and you can't go round saying I'm m-m-m-m-nyeeeeah!. I 'opes you are on the street one day, then you'll know what its like to lose heverything, then you?ll not be so 'igh and mighty lookin' down your nose at people. Ho yes, the mighty can fall you know. I didn't always used to be a tramp you know, I used to be somebody. I was important. I used to be John Prescott. Garn gerrahtof it, you bastard, I 'opes a gang of chavs sets fire to your superfluous hair.
BNN:
Well there we have it. Surely Mr. Scabby?s failure to give a straight answer to a simple question shows Gordon Brown?s Labour Party have no room to accuse the Conservatives of lack of transparency in accepting donations from non domicled businessmen.
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