The western nations are suffering an outbreak of pognophobia (fear of beards) not seen since the days immediately following the notorious 9/11 attacks on New York's World Trade Centre.

In Britain we have seen the government, reduced to blind panic by the sight of a fuck-off beard of the kind that would be proudly worn by an Old Testasment prophet, bungle an attempt to legally deport the owner of said beard-of-mass-destruction, a Muslim cleric named Abu Qatada.

Meanwhile acros the pond normally law abiding Americans have taken to attacking members of the inoffensive-but-badly-groomed Amish sect and cutting off their beards.

Sixteen men and women have pleaded not guilty to mass beard murder attacks against fellow Amish in Ohio.

A feud over church discipline allegedly led to attacks in which the beards and hair of men and hair of women were cut, considered deeply offensive in Amish culture. The Amish believe the Bible instructs women to let their hair grow long and men to grow beards and stop shaving once they marry.

Amish mother Mary Hinge told a Boggart Blog rreporter, "They saved my legs. At this time of year in Ohio that is just cruel. The wind that blows through here has come all the way from Greenland without encountering a decent sized hill or even a clump of tall trees.

The latest indictment added new allegations that the suspects tried to hide or destroy evidence by making it into false beards for Muslim trainee holy men whose own beards have not fully developed. Evidence confiscated by Ohio Police Officers including a disposable camera, shears and a bag of hair from the victims.

Linda Schrock, daughter of alleged ringleader Samuel Mullet (No kidding :)) ), said the related extended families are supporting each other during the busy planting season while the seven defendants still held on bond.

The updated indictment also charges Mullet with lying to federal agents during their investigation by denying knowledge of an October assault and also with having an offensive hairstyle.

Amish men who escaped the beard assassains by disguising themselves as Greek Orthodox nuns


Abu Qatada disguised as a Greek Orthodox nun, as he escapes from immigration officers

You can't be too paranoid