Boggartblog

An excellent post from Anna Raccoon that sums up the kind of warped, totalitarian thinking behind Obama's "You didn't build that" speech. Here's an extract:

Self Sufficiency, the American dream, a return to the lifestyle of the pioneers. Take care of yourself, take care of your own, live on the bounty of nature. Even in Oregon the State is encroaching. Those who dream of a similar lifestyle might care to take note of the result of a court case that has been on going there for ten years now.

I had to leave this comment for Anna:

The realities of life in Obamaland:

See that tasty pie you just took out of the oven Anna? You didn’t bake that, the government did.

See that sparkling clean upper story window from which you look on the french countryside? The window cleaner did not run up his ladder and polish that, the government did.

See that rather smart hairstyle your commenter Mr. Thorpe, poser that he is, is sporting? Justina the hairdresser did not style that hair, the government did.

See that nasty red ink on all our bank statements? We did not spend our money, the government did.

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Humour and satire

There was a saying about stupidity in Liverpol when I was young and visited the town with my Dad. It went "Not just stupid but Irish stupid."

It is neither politically correct nor true. but most Scousers have Irish antecedents so they can be excused. What has reminded me of it is an extract from a speech by someone who is the most intellectually gifted individual in the world according to his supporters, brack Hussein Obama. It redefined stupid.

You may have thought that George W Bush was a moron, Tony Blair a delusional imbecile, David Cameron an inbred congenital idiot, Nicolas Sarkozy a shit - for - brains, Slick Willie Clinton a slack jawed hillbilly and Gordon Brown a psychotic scottish lunatic but some of us did try to warn you Obama trumped them all.

These are his words from a speech in which he floated his latest idea, that military personnel should take out medical insurance to cover they cost of healthcare they receive while on active service.

"Look, it's an all volunteer force," Obama complained. "Nobody made these guys go to war. They had to have known and accepted the risks. Now they whine about bearing the costs of their choice?"

In the face of outrage the idea was quickly dropped and the Obama friendly mainstream media reported that he had never uttered these words. The reason this is back in the news is it has now emerged he did actually say this.

Not just stupid but Obama stupid.

Obama drops controversial plan for the military - Washington Post

Boggart Blog recoiled in horror on reading a news item about child poverty earlier this week. As part of the government's plan to abolish child poverty by making everybody poor, in the future all state school pupils will be force fed school dinners. A Department of Education spokesperson said that forcing everybody to eat the same vile grey sloppy mess as prison inmates and hospital patients are given will help close the gap between rich and poor.

Our reporter, acting on parents fears that their childrens' taste buds would be destroyed spoke to one of the likely victims of this policy, The Hon Jonty Lyttleton - Titt (aged eight) to lean how he and other posh kids will no longer be able to have their favourite Fortnum and Mason packed lunch hamper delivered in a Rolls Royce and served by a liveried footman. Instead they will have to eat the politically correct shite only fit for Guardian readers which has found it's way onto school dinners menus courtesy of that fat tongued mockney posh boy Jamie Oliver.

Jonty told our reporter: "Obviously one is disappointed one will no longer be allowed one's favourites like fois gras and roast suckling pig and will have to eat prole food. If the school want to abolish child poverty Daddy says it would be better to make proles eat the kind of stuff I like, cavair, chicken in aspic, smoked salmon, lobster pate and huge slices of cake with lashings of whipped cream. Daddy says that might give them the motivation to get off their arses and make a decent life for themselves.

Mummy (Jonty's mother, Lib Dem MEP Femi-Nesta la Castrata) disagrees. She says the poor are genetically predisposed to choke on fine foods and we should concentrate on weaning them off pot noodles and take away pizza and teach them to eat tofu and cous cous and adopt a more ethical lifestyle.

Then Daddy said if Mr. Dave, the man with the shiny face give him a hundred toffs with shotguns and release ten thousand proles on our grouse moor and do the same for all other rich people he would soon solve poverty and unemployment .

That seems a little harsh to me but I am only eight and therefore not old enough to understand the socio - economic dynamics of post industrial society.

I do not know if I shall like prole food. Everyone says they eat something called Spotted Dick and Grandmama says it was spotted dick that made Grandpapa go raving mad and die. Which sounds like good fun because if I was mad I could run round with a big knife and shout "WUUUURRRRRGGGGGH I'm the mad serial killer, WUUUURRRRRGGGGGH" and scare the servants.

I should not wish to try Donor Kebab of course which proles eat all the time. It might be quite safe to eat but one would need to know that the donor came from a good familiy. If there was a chance it might have been one of Smelly Hatchett - Jobbs relatives I am sure I would throw up because they are all alcoholics and druggies, or victims of society who need our help as Mummy says.

I think school dinners should be left as they are, let rich people eat rich peoples' food and poor people eat things they like because rich people are different. Mummy eats endives and sushi and Waldorf salad and she is slim and pretty. I do think she is a bit too thin because she gets hurt easily like when she has tennis lessons. One day at the country club Larsson the tennis coach was giving her one in the exercise room it made her scream terribly Oh God, Oh my God, Oh, Oooh.

If I had been bigger I would have run in and punched him right on the nose and said "that will teach you not to hurt my Mummy, you cad."

But even if Mama is not very strong she always looks lovely in her evening gowns. The mummys of poor kids all have a fag in their mouth and spotty faces and a bottle of cider in their bag and they wear tight leggings that have a camel's toe inside them and they wear halter tops and have a big roll of flab hanging out round the middle and goes blobber blobber blobber when they walk along.

I'm sure that is not classy but I bet they could rough up Larsson the tennis coach.

Perhaps I will eat proles food after all.

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Boggart Blog's occasional series "Stupid Criminal Of The Week brings you news of the most stupid crines committed around the world. What has emerged from this is the dumbing down our politicians like to talk about is not just a local problem, it's a pandemic. People are getting more and more stupid everywhere.

The latest tip we have for international idiots is: Always take care of toilet business before leaving the house on criminal business.

A wannabe bank robber in Denmark failed to evacuate prior to hiding himself in a bank vault as part of his plan to steal a fortune.

He got locked in and had to wait until the bank opened the next morning to get out at which point he burst out brandishing a gun, scaed the crap out of bank staff and escaped.

Unfortunately while banged up in the vault he had to answer the call of nature, so he relieved himself in a box before escaping with jewelry and $500,000 in cash.

Cops got the criminal mastermind's DNA from his poo and because he had a record (of robbery not crapping in boxes) he was soon arrested. Needless to say, what he left in his makeshift toilet wasn't a safe deposit.

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Bottom
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oooh the Olypics are here. Watched a few of the swimming heats this morning, then I've watched the end of the cycling road race, but unfortunately no podium finish for the Brits.

But that does lead me to something I heard on the radio the other day, which surely deserves the gold medal for mangling the English language.

Now we all know in corporate speak they are fond of making verbs out of nouns, but this has got to take the cake.

Or I should probably say ... cake it.

A spokeswoman for Team GB, who shall remain nameless lest she be summarily executed by the massed disgusteds of Tunbridge Wells, gave us these immortal words,

"Everyone in the team wants to medal .... they are all hoping to podium..."

And her tongue was nowhere near her cheek!

Just had to keyboard that for you all

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No matter what your feelings about the evils of smoking may be, if you love liberty and democracy it is still worth keeping an eye on how, where and when the government regulates smoking to protect the terminally fearful from hazards like second hand and even third hand smoke. Smoking has already been banned in public buildings, offices and shopping malls by control freak local government officers. When it comes to the great outdoors, however, their reach seems to exceed their grasp.

Mayor Bloomberg of New York has led the way in implementing anti - smoking laws that are impossible to police and has even talked of stopping people from smoking in their own homes. Bloomberg seems quite unperturbed by the fact that to enforce such a law would require power similar to those exercised by the Thought Police in George Orwell's novel "1984".

But the city of San Francisco in California, the US State where stupidity havs become contagious appears poised to follow Bloomberg's fascistic example..

Supervisor Eric Mar said he introduced a proposal to ban ssmoking in streets, parks and on beaches because of the health impacts of secondhand smoke when people light up in public.

“It’s widely known that secondhand smoke is responsible for as many as 73,000 deaths among non-smokers each year in the United States, and there is no safe level of exposure,” he said.

Like Alameda and several other Californian cities, San Francisco already restricts smoking in outdoor seating areas of cafes and restaurants, as well as near building entrances and vents. San Jose has similar smoking restrictions.

But even if they do it, they won’t ban all smoking. The exceptions as you might expect are related to political correctness.

“It’s carefully crafted also to exclude smaller, neighborhood organized events such as block parties. And also, importantly, it does not prohibit the use of medical cannabis,” Mar said. Medicinal? As in, "I only use it to relieve stress"? Well haven't we all?

Obviously you’d make the important exemption for people smoking pot. These interfering lefties might be very keen to stop Joe the Schlepper from enjoying his drug of choice because the government knows best how he should live his life , so they will tell him not to light up a Lucky Strike or open a beer, but they would not try to curtail the freedoms of enlightened people who have politicallly correct values. So they are not going to try to stop right on people from enjoying a spliff as that would be undemocratic. The San Francisco city authorities are not Nazis FFS.

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The body of this mystery animal washed up on the shore of New York's East River has triggered a spate of conspiracy theories with people asking whether it is the carcass of a dog, a pig or an altogether more sinister creature. (Cue portentous chords)

The East River Monster: ManBearPig?

The apparent 'monster' was found and pictured by an amateur photographer who was walking under the Brooklyn Bridge in Manhattan on Sunday.

On first glance it appears that the animal is simply a bloated pig – a theory the New York Parks Department insist is correct. Pig my arse. Closer inspection reveals that the animal appears to have toes rather than hooves and it's tail (near left rear leg) is too long for a pig but not long enough for a rat.

Online theorists speculated it may be a dog or, the remains of the camel whose toe Madonna had shoved down her leggings in recent pictures. Even more worrying suggestions have it as a giant rat. Other online comments suggest it could be an aardvark, a raccoon or something related to a possum. Clearly all these are ridiculous.

One online commentator suggested the beast was from a nearby government-run animal disease centre. (More portentous chords)

The poster, identified only as L13, wrote: "I don't think it's purely coincidence that these unidentifiable creatures have washed up on shores around Plum Island where the government has their Center for Animal Diseases.

"I think these poor things are lab experiments the govt doesn't want us to know about."

The New York's magazine's Daily Intel blog has cranked up the conspiracy with a blog post entitled: "We're Supposed to Believe the New East River Monster Is Just a Pig?"

Mrs Ginley told the Daily Intel blog: "I definitely agree that the feet are not pig-like at all. No hooves or cloven feet to be seen it definitely had five toes on all its paws, front and back.

The blog compares the animal, which appears to have part of its jaw missing, to something from the X-Files.

But the New York Parks Department is not budging from its initial identification of the animal.

"It was a pig left over from a cookout," a spokesperson told the Animal NY website. "We disposed of it."

Left over? They hadn't eaten any of it. And why was it disposed of so quickly, like the body of Osama bin Laden. Hmmmmm ?

Boggart Blog's investigative reporting team went straight to work on this mystery and so far the evidence we have turned up suggests the beast is in bact ManBearPig the mutant created by scientists working for Al Gore to scare beople into believing his global warming scare story and accepting we had to buy carbon credits which Gore had a monopoly on.

Some years ago we brought you a selection of the most unfortunate web site names, a list which included classics like findtheraprist.com (see more)

Now we have stumbled upon what is probably the best ambiguous web site name ever. It belongs to a bunch of scuba enthusiasts in Muff, Scotland who call their site :

http://www.muffdivingclub

If you ever come across one better, please PLEASE, let us know.

Alright, bad pun on the title there but I could't think of anything else that ticked the boxes of relevant and inoffensive.

What I'm on about is The Blade Runner. Oscar Pistorius you may also know him as. He was recently allowed to compete at this years' Olympics as part of the South African 4 x 100m relay team. He has 2 prosthetic legs.

This will make hisory. Some athletes are up in their regular arms about it because his robotic legs cannot feel the tiredness of an able-bodied person. But they also have no environmental response mechanism, and while they have been developed by some of the best Prostetic technicians in the world, they will never, ever match up to how the human body can graduate from walking to jogging to a sprint in a short space of time. 100m in under 10 seconds? Not your usual run in the park.

This week, BBC Producer Stuart Hughes posted an article about his upcoming run with the Olympic Torch, using his recently created prosthesis. Stuart lost his leg below the knee while in Iraq and has previously used a regular, anatomically similar prosthesis, but with not very much in the way of function by the looks of it. That is to say, it had the shape of a regular leg, but no movement.

He has now had a carbon fibre prosthesis made for him for the Torch run, developed by a compnay I have previously worked for, Blatchford. There was a video about the development and production and really, it is amazing what they can do and how they do it.

However, as Stuart comments, "No leg constructed from metal and finely spun carbon thread can yet match the complexity and perfection of a limb made from muscle, skin and bone. My prosthesis, however, is trying its best to catch up with hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution".

So I think Oscar Pistorius should be welcomed into the world of mainstream athletics. His times are not especially anything to worry about so I really don't think other runners should worry too much; he is not (yet) a Bionic Man. And it makes a nice change that he doesn't require anyone to help him run (see Blind 100m sprint in the Paralympics - all well and good except the guide gets frig all recognition for stopping the winner running out of line/falling over/running the wrong way).

I do think he should not be allowed to compete in the same events in the Paralympics though, that is unfair if he has already cometed as an able bodied athlete.

But then we have the question 'where or how do we draw the line?'

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An MP has been quoted as saying that paying for services cash in hand is morally wrong.

Of course it is, you're going to need a receipt so you can claim it on expenses

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Scientists have "created" an artificial life form that resembles an other-worldly alien from a sci-fi movie and has a name to match. But real-life scientists created the multi-limbed "Medusoid" which swims with the help of pulsating rat heart cells.

The artificial creature, measuring several centimetres across, is made of transparent elastic silicone. It propels itself through water with pumping movements when stimulated with electricity, but has no brain - yet.

Tissue engineers in the US based the design of the Medusoid on the jellyfish, believed to be the most primitive multi-organed animal.

Professor John Dabiri, a member of the team from the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) that has achieved this latest scientific beakthrough in wasting taxpayers' money, said: "I was surprised that with relatively few components - a silicone base and cells that we arranged - we were able to reproduce some pretty complex swimming and feeding behaviours that you see in biological jellyfish. I'm pleasantly surprised at how close we are getting to matching the natural biological performance.

Really, WOW. So they took a rat, got rid of its brain and backbone and turned it into a jellyfish. A few years down the line they will be able to take a rat, get rid of its brain, backbone and emotions and turn it into a politician. Read full post:

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and he drove the fastest golf ball in the west

A couple of days ago we blogged on the nasty corporate Naziism that has crept into the Olympic jamboree and spendfest for global elitists.

Our post showed you how small independent businesses who tried to incoporate references to the Olympic logo in humourous promotional exercises (Olympc bagels etc.)have been trodden on by the powerful and expensive lawyers of the Olympic brand police who are far more ruthlessly efficient than the Olympic outsourced security police.

The Olympic logo may only be used in it's proper form when the user has licenced it's it's use in their merchandising by paying an enormous fee that is way beyond the means of any small business in London.

The restrictions do not apply to the Olympic corporate partners of course. They can do whatever they like with the logo. Look how cleverly the rings are worked into this picture to create a subliminal links between the Corinthian endeavour of the Olympic athletes and what is probably the most unhealthy lunch in the world.

The Olympic Logo, stack style, symbolising the clean living lifestyle of athletes.

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My traffic to this blog has gone down the pan. I have not been doing a lot to promote my blog recently I admit. So what is he complaining about? you might well ask.

The reason I stopped putting the effort in is there seems to be nothing I can do attract readers now. Since Google introduced it's Panda and Penguin updates to the algorithm all the old search engine optimisation techniques just do not have any effect. This is not my view alone but an emerging concensus at web master forums I visit.

Now I have never liked Google or the two guys who founded it, those semi autistic little neo - Nazi tic turds Larry Page and Sergei Brin. From day one it was obvious they were a couple of world domination freaks who should have been the Google worshippers strangled at birth.

I know I will upset a lot of people by saying that; strangely the Google worshippers tend to be the very same people who are always banging on about how logical and rational they and how they are too intelligent to believe in God. Don't they realise that by letting their solipsistic little minds endow a search engine with divine omnipotence, omnipresence and omniesence they have simply created a high tech god that is as irrational as those of the traditional religions. Oh well, critical thinking was never a strength of the cupid stunts who are obsessed with science and technology.

Google is a god to its fans, the technology sheeple. Once you understand that it is easy to be sceptical about the claims Google made for Panda and Penguin: the first was allegedly intended to shift emphasis from links to content thus removing the incentive for comment spam, the second to downgrade low quality sites such as link farms and content scrapers (who steal the original content of other sites).

Now either Google failed catastrophically (not previously unknown) or they were lying (not previously unknown either), as bloggers we all know the comment spammers are busier than ever and forums at Web Pro News are full of people who have tested search resutls and proved junk content sites of the type that are likely to generate good revenue for Google have actually benefitted from measures that we were told should penalise them.

Another factor Google have raised in importance that works against us hobbyists is the current version of the algorithm rewards those pages that are updated frequently. So Google have now introduced an incentive for content spam which is why you might have noticed a lot of pages featuring gibberish that is in fact computer generated content (try reading any of this and you soon understand it is an act of mercy to kill those geeks who believe computers will soon be able to think like humans.

So when you get down to it, we've no chance.

This blog will keep going because while businesses use it for spammy posts to promote their crappy products Google will love it and my content will get indexed quickly when linked from here. But quality will decline, as it has across the web since Google's crappy search technology that penalises good writing and relevant information and rewards spam and advertising shite first appeared.

If you want to help reverse this trend towards the crappification of everything, act now. Think for yourselves, don't let machines tell you what to do. You're a human being.

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The news that a baker's shop in London was ordered to remove a window display of five bagels, artfully arranged to resemble the Olympic logo and other stories of corporate and government Nazis trampling on enterprising small businesses for using advertising images that somewhat resemble the official Olympic cash cow logo has prompted Boggart Blog to launch a range of anti - Olympic merchandise.

Olympic logo - even images loosely resembling this are verboten.

Our lawyers tell us tell us it is still acceptable to use the letters

O - L - Y - M - P - I -C

to advertise goods and services so long as they are not in that order. We do not see anything wrong with this photo of iced bagels (although we can see a lot wrong with the concept of iced bagels - why not stick with do - nuts) which bears only a passing resemblence to the official logo.

The offending bagels not looking much like the Olympic logo.

The aforementioned bagel bakery is not the only business to be hit

Many other businesses have been issued with "cease and desist" orders for alleged violations of the Olympic Corporation's trade maks and copyrights (and you thought the games belonged to the world? How naive are you?) Including the Olympic brothel in Soho.

Censored

Obviously we could not show you the Olympic brothel's picture of five different coloured female orifices in states of arousal as it might offend more sensitive readers.

We therefore feel it is our duty to bring the London 2012 Olympic games into even greater disrepute by launching a range of T shirts, Mugs, Mouse Mats and condoms bearing an image of the Olympic logo and these slogans.

Olympic Officials Are Nazis.

London 2012: Charlie Sheen To Win Gold For Taking The Most Drugs?

Olympic Officials Eff Off, I'll Drive My Mobility Scooter In Whatever Lane I Like Because I'm A Londoner.

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There’s been new talk of a polypill: a pill the entire population are required to take by law on a regular basis in the expectation that such fascistic measures will eradicate the health problems that cost the National health Service most money.

"Is there a pill to cure bureaucratic incompetence and money wasting?" You might well ask.

Well no, those boffins with their white coats, cone shaped heads and personal odour issues are not quite that clever yet.

The new polypill is just plain old statins, the cholesterol lowering drug that causes arse dribble while totally overlooking the fact that people who have low cholesterol don't need it lowered any more.

The loonytoons scientific thinking behind this is dish it out to the whole population above a certain age, sit back and wait for heart disease rates to fall thus saving the NHS loadsamoney. And they few who die because they are forced to take a drug they don't need are not statistically significant so fuck 'em. As with most scientific great ideas it has not really been thought through, in fact Dr David Wald, the cardiologist leading the research, is the son of Professor Sir Nicholas Wald, who came up with the concept and is a patent holder for a version of the pill. You may say there is a possible conflict of interest there, Boggart Blog could not possibly comment.

Margaret McCartney, an outspoken Glasgow GP and medical commentator who has never been afraid to challenge the Big Phrama lackeys of the British Medical Association and the Department of Health nails the key point: that medicating entire populations sounds a great idea but often causes unexpected harm. It is more effective to target medication at the patients who need it rather than needlessly medicating a bunch of patients with nothing wrong with them. All those well patients get is a few possible side-effects, and no benefit. That’s a pretty crude method.

As Dr McCartney says, the healthy patients are also the ones most likely to take the pill. The sick ones, who might actually benefit, are also less likely to comply. The sort of diseases that this tablet is aimed at – cardiovascular, diabetes and so on – are very often associated with lifestyle and poverty. Addressing these causes would surely be a more sensible solution to the problem than offering a promise of immortality wrapped up in a nice little pill.

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A passenger at San Francisco airport was subjected to a "thorough search" after security personnel noted a long protruberance down his left thigh, which they assumed to be an offensive weapon.

The search revealed that Mr. Jonah Falcon was not a nascent terrorist but merely the owner of the world's largest penis.

Mr. Falcon explained, "I had my stuff strapped to my left thigh. One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said 'Yes It's my dick.'"

Whilst well endowed in certain departments it is obvious that Mr. Falcon is not a master of one line put downs.

As the recent spate of UFO sightings gathers pace Boggart Blog has learned that Prime Minister Tony Blair was warned about sinister UFO activity in the 1990s, according to bombshell files just released to the public.

The newly released documents mostly refer to UFO sightings near military bases according to the information obtained under a Freedom Of Information request.

The government of the United Kingdom is disclosing formerly top-secret documents on unexplained aerial activity, under a new British law similar to the American Freedom of Information Act.

There's no chance officials might disclose everything they know about extraterrestrial craft, because it would spread fear and panic. It seems, however, that to cover up the stories on UFO activity Blair insisted they were reported as examples of Saddam Husseins Weapons Of Mass Destruction. UFO reports on Gather.com

On our way back from the seaside the other day we called in at the retail outlet place on the A64 to purchase a years supply of trainers.
As we completed a circuit of the mall we came across the Le Creuset store.
"Ooooh Le Creuset porn," I cried and headed straight in.... and that set me thinking.

For all those women not turned on by BDSM a preview of my erotic novel, Fifty Shapes Of Le Creuset.

This is the red casserole of cookery. Its very colour ignites the flames of passion deep within her as she draws it out of the packaging. It is large, oh so large, she has never seen one so large. And heavy. Deep and round. She shudders slightly at the thought of what could be created within such a magnificent specimen. Ratatouille, boeuf bourguinon, bolognese, her thoughts tumble over one another like chopped onions cascading down into the pan. Reverently she lowers the casserole onto the waiting hob.

Her hand caresses the smooth hardness of the cast iron. She can feel it warming under her touch. Her heart beats a little faster in anticipation. She allows her fingers to curl into the sensuous firmness of the handle. Her lips part as a soft gasp of pure pleasure escapes from her expectant body.

With exquisite tenderness she tilts the casserole away from the burning gas beneath it, she moistens her lips with the tip of her tongue and reaches slowly for the extra virgin olive oil. She watches as it glides, smoothly, thickly, luxuriantly out of the slender neck of the bottle, drizzling, pooling, against the soft cream of the base.

Her eyes glisten, her lips part once more, her breath comes in short gasps as she watches the oil begin to sizzle and catches the sweet fragrance, drawing it deeply into her body through her flared nostrils and open mouth...

But enough of the free previews, you're gonna have to wait for the blockbusting published version to find out what happens next. Can't wait can you?

Greenteethmm Labyrinth

There has been a lot of criticism of G$S over the weekend after the admission that some personnel hired to privide outsourced coppering services at the pointless vanity project great sporting festival could not speak English.

The management of G4S have hit back at critics, insisting all security officers in public facing roles have been thoroughly vetted.

The firm then proudly announced its committment to total security by having the team leader of its newly formed terrorist - watch squad, Ibrahim Bin Laden, hold a scimitar aloft and shout out the new corporate slogan "Death to the infidel."

A knot hole on a tree that resembles the Virgin Mary (video: ITN News) is luring hundreds of gullible folk believers to the junction of 60th Street and Bergenline Avenue, where are finding hope and faith in the image that was discovered on Tuesday by a woman who was passing by.

Police have erected barricades and sectioned off the tree, which was surrounded by bouquets of flowers and burning candles, while priests studied the bark.

Local woman Mary Alnodovar insists that it's a miracle: "I've been here for many years and it's not the sort of thing you see every day on West 60th Street. That's why I got surprised and I tell my friend, 'You got to go. You got to go see.' It's not a lie. It's true what you see over there.”

Well as divine apparitions go it's better than Jesus on a pancake but not as good as Boggart Blog's favourite story of Tommy Cooper appearing in a pie.

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I can't tell you how disappointed I was to learn that on his acquittal from charges of racial abuse John Terry remained in his suit rather than changing into his Chelsea strip and doing a lap of honour of the courtroom holding the judges decision aloft and kissing his club badge.

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Most amusing news this morning is that the outsourced police force G4S cannot cope with the security operation the Olympic advertising festival and egotrip for worthless elitist gravy train riders (aka the International Olympic Committee) will require so 3,500 soldiers are being drafted in.

What is more interesting is, as usual, not what we are being told but what we are not being told; i.e. what duties these war zone trained troops will perform.

Their job will be to clear away the mess and dispose of the bodies from planes shot down by Olympic surface to air missiles fired from tower blocks in Hackney.

(Well where did you think terrorist planes shot down to protect the Olympians were going to fall to earth?)

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Guess who is planning to run for election as Prime Minister of Italy next year ... you got it in one, Don Silvio Berlusconi, the Godfather of Italian politics.

One of Don Silvio's closest confidantes and most loyal supporters said he thought it was very likely that the three-times prime minister would contest the next election. "It's nothing personal, just business," he said.

"There's a big groundswell of support behind him becoming a candidate, due to his policy of making people offers they can't refuse" said Angelino Alfano, whom Mr Berlusconi anointed as his successor before having to step down late last year.

Mr. Alfano, known to his friends as 'Lino the lethal' added "I believe that he will decide to offer himself for re-election." Mr Alfano, a Sicilian whose family is involved in the olive oil business is chairman of the PDL party added, "Many people are asking him to do it, including me."

The billionaire businessman believes he has a good chance of winning office, despite all the sex scandals, corruption trials, international gaffes and broken promises to the Italian electorate and dead bodies floating in the River Tiber that have marred his reputation domestically and made him an international figure of fun.

"Berlusconi is determined to run again and he believes millions of Italians will vote for him," an insider in Mr Berlusconi's People of Freedom Party told the BBC.

Mr Berlusconi's political comeback was also confirmed by one of his most ardent supporters, Daniela Santanche, who is an MP in his party.

"We have no-one better than Berlusconi. For months I've been saying that he is our best candidate."

She said she hoped he would choose a woman as his deputy but was coy about her own ambitions.

Don Silvio Berlusconi pictured with Karim El Mahroug, a glamour model and hot tip for a senior ministerial role in his government.

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Some of us might think being a wine or ber taster or a quality control tester in the johnny factory was the dream job. To someone with a sweet tooth however the job of chief oompah - loompah Sorry I promised myself no Willie Wonka jokes) cholcolate taster must have seemed like a dream coime true.

Not so for forty seven year old Angus Kennedy who had to quit his £30,000-a-year dream job when docors warned his cholesterol level was becoming "dangerously high".

His work required him to gobble up to 2lbs of weird and wonderful goodies - like cocoa-covered ants and aphrodisiac lollipops - every day.

Manufacturers - including Mars and Nestle - relied on his experience and sophisticated palate to sample new treats ahead of production.

Father-of-five Angus would then write about the products in the trade journal Kennedy's Confection.

We find this story a tad suspect, in fact when we learned that the chief chocolate muncher's weight had "ballooned" to thirteen and a half stone in the space of two years we were damn sure it was made up by a committee of bansturbators.

Thirteen and a half stone is not that heavy. In fact compared to the 63 stone teenager we blogged on a few weeks ago Angus is a featherweight. But when you have politically correct idiots out there who can tell Olympic athlete Jessica Ennis she is fat, what chance to normal people have.

We think the banstirbators invented or grossly exaggerated this story as revenge fro the recent news from Australian scientists that eating chocolate is good for us.

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So this week I have read an article where a US lifeguard was fired for saving a swimmer's life, as the swimmer was out of the proteted area and they have liability issues.

I also heard that a local landowner not too far from me in France has started to charge 2€ for access to his land which also happens to be a popular river beach. This is because he was recently sued by a holiday maker (punter as they are known among local workers) who had jumped off a high rock and injured himself, and therefore sued the landowner. And won.

Had said landowner had a sign up saying 'Jump off the rock at your own risk' (or preferably, 'if you jump off this rock, you are a dick, its well high and you will more than likley injure/kill yourself', as I have ever decreasing trust in the common sense of the general public).

Another story that came to light in the same conversation was that a female punter had broken her back jumping off a bridge. Her insurance company said they wouldn't pay out as clearly, she shouldn't have jumped off a bridge (dick). In her defence, she actually said 'there wasn't a sign saying 'don't jump off this bridge''. See? Clearly suffering from common sense issues.

I have no love for insurance companies in general, and I would have liked to hear that they put up more of a fight in the instance of the lady with the broken back. Clearly her mother never said '...and if Jenny jumped off a bridge, would you to the same?'. Mine did, and of course I thought 'No, because if I jumped off a bridge I'd surely seriously injure or kill myself'. However, I do feel a tad sorry for them these days. I agree they will do their absolute damnedest to find a loophole in your policy and avoid paying out in lots of cases, but I think now we have reached a stage where health and safety, risk assesments and liability issues have gone so far that they are fucked if they do and fucked if they don't.

When I was a kid, we had a sandpit in the garden, and I used to eat sand by the handful. Nowadays I could do that, but if I contracted any kind of illness within the few days following, I could potentially sue my parents for allowing me to eat it.

Everyone is so paranoid about everything today, kids don't go outside because its not sterilised. Workplaces have a health and safety team whose sole purpose is to perform risk assessments and potentially disrupt the work of others. Don't even get me started on school trips or the world of activity holidays.

Lets go back to letting people be responsible for themselves and their own mind. Make your own risk assesments. If you decide to jump off a bridge and survive, uninjured, then happy days. If you decide to jump off a bridge and injure yourself, or worse, accept the consequences knowing that while you may be a dick, you would always accept a dare.

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Sometimes there just seems to be nothing going on. I mean, John Terry top of the news WTF?

At such times however there is often a lot going on, we are just not being told about it.

Get ready to be deafened by the horrible squelchy sound of shit hitting fans.

OK, I heard this on television last night and I'm too busy to think up anything original today.
The Turin Shroud? Is it really evidence that the story of Jesus' resurrection is true or just a relic of a spray tan job that went horribly wrong?

Today's blog comes from Guest Blogger The Hon. Tosser Olde - Phart, secretary of The Society For Preserving Snobbery In Sport.

Egad! A british chappie is in the final of the Gentleman's singles at Wimbledon. Damn poor show in my opinion, this Murray fellow is certainly not a gentleman, one of his grandfathers was a professional footballer. Now some of you might be thinking "well so what, it's better than all those Froggies, Dagoes, Yanks and damned colonials who usually win it. But is that so?

There are some of us who are still aware that the class system is the only thing that holds Britain together and so if we are to have a winner of Wimbledon it is more important that he is the right sort of chap than that he is British.

And as I say there are no gentlemen in the sport any more, the damned ruffians are all in it for the money. They are professionals. A true gentleman would never sully himself with tawdry commnercialism.

To make matters worse, the damned fellow is a Jocko. Who decided to allow Scots into the All England club. Is nothing sacred?

It is seventy four years since we last had a British chappie in the final. Bunnay Awsten was the last and I have to say things have been allowed to slide a lot since then. Names are important for a start. Bunny was a proper name for a gentleman amateur, it conveys the impression that he excels without actually trying very hard, that he does not take things too seriously. An English gentleman must never be seen to be taking things seriously.

Nowadays we have people called Andy, John, Jamie, Roger, Novak and Goran playing. Those are not gentlemens' names, they're bus drivers' names. No wonder the chaps are not ashamed to be drinking their lemon barley water from the bottle at changeovers. People with bus driver's names will behave as bus drivers would. In Bunny's day competitors in the Gentlemens' Singles would take their valet along to the court to mix their lemon barley water in a crystal decanter and serve their drinks from a silver salver. It is not winning that is important but how one wins.

One must wonder however is Lemon Barley water a suitable drink for a gentleman. Old Bunny would not have been seen dead drinking Lemon Barley water. He liked to sip a Pimms while taking his minute break and was often seen smoking a Dunhill cigarette through the Tortoiseshell holder he was presented with for winning the Swurrey Conty Gentlemens' singles on four consecutive occasions.

It is a good thing that we have a British player contesting the British Tennis Championship but it would have been so much better is standards had been kept up.

Government proposals for rigorous grammar tests on eleven year olds are an attack on teachers a taeching union has said.

Sticking closely to the agreed policy of public sector unions which states that it is a human rights violation to ask any public sector employee to get some effing work done, The NASUWT (National Association Of Shitheads, Under - achievers, Wankers and Tosspots obviously thinks that asking todays teachers to do the job they are paid for, i.e. teach children basic stuff, is well out of order.

A teaching union has condemned plans that will see all 11 year-olds tested on the proper use of apostrophes and the difference between nouns, verbs and adjectives, saying the proposals amount to an attack on teachers.

Chris Keates, the General Secretary of the NASUWT, the largest teachers' union, said the plans were part of an "entirely unjustifiable campaign to denigrate the commitment and professionalism of teachers".

"Imposing a wholly unnecessary additional high-stress test on schools has nothing to do with ensuring that teachers can support all pupils to reach their full potential as writers,"

Writers? So providing we do not teach them to read, spell or put full stops and commas in the right places these untutored illiterates will all turn into little Shakespeares?

Obviously the NASUWT approach to teaching children their native language is to take a million pupils, sit them in front of a million computers and wait for them to produce the Complete Works.

Maybe what is needed to sort education out is for somebody to attack NASUWT members ... with baseball bats.

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Great excitement and lots of hardons (even a few spontaneous ejaculations perhaps) over at CERN today over the news that scientists think they might, just might, have found something that might, just might, look a litle bit like the Higgs Boson, if the higgs Boson exists which it might or might not.

Little wave of excitement have spread from those scientists whose track record of getting excited when a cockroach farts in the collider tunnel suggests we should not bet significant amounts of money on theirt being right. The wave of enthusiasm even reached Twitter where Twits were challenched to explain the higgs Boson in a tweet.

Some good ones came in.

Stuart Houghton:
The Higgs Boson gives other particles mass, a bit like how a blue light gives nearby objects 'blueness'

Andrew RedKarateka
Higgs-bosom is the gelatine in a jelly through which all other particles move, gaining mass as they struggle through it.

FubarRobinson
Higgs boson is what gives a Jedi his power. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together - Ian Robinson

Sean Inglis
Higgs Bosons are a sea of ball-bearings; other particles are smooth as marbles or sticky as squash balls and drag accordingly

Next to these my own effort, which I hoped was as surreal as the whole CERN project, seems disappointingly mundane.

The Higgs boson is very, very important but it does not exist. This is why some people call it the God particle

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The notoriously politically correct Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, whose city administration has banned large fizzy drinks and tried to ban the calorie laden food Americans love could not have been comfortable speaking at the official weigh-in ahead of the national hot dog eating competition which takes place in New York's Coney Island yesterday.

To make matters worse, Mr. Bloomberg, who is known for being intense and humourless as only politically correct do gooders can be, left the wording of his speech to an official speechwriter. This joker decided that a light-hearted approach was called for and littered the address with really dodgy puns that would have been at home in a Carry On film but that the Mayor did not have the chutzpah or comic timing to get away with.

Mr Bloomberg began with a weak gag about New York being "top dog" for street food.He went on to wonder aloud whether the current champion Joey Chestnut would "swallow the competition" or whether another "chow hounds" had the "pedigree" to win. He then told the audience about how much he "relished" the competition.

Speaking about the current male and female champions, he asked: "Will one of their dogged pursuers finally ketchup, cut the mustard and be pronounced wiener? No question it is going to be a dog fight."

Some of the puns were so laboured they would have been at home in a Carry On film. We would like to close on a hot dog related pun of our own but the only thing that comes to mind is the old George Melly song, Hot Dog Man about a gentleman who performs certain services for ladies who want a hot dog in their roll.

Oo - er Missis.

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I was away at the weekend, camping down in Sussex whilst we attended The Festival Of Speed at Goodwood. If you're a petrol head this is an excellent event to go to, Supercars, Touring cars, Rally cars, Vintage cars, Le Mans Cars, F1 cars, you name it. Unlike at Grands Prix you can get up close and personal around the machinery on display, and also the personnel. Sez Jez came away with Alain Prost and Rene Arnoux's autographs, and also a kiss from M. Arnoux, lucky bugger. We were six inches from the old siver fox himself, Damon Hill, swoon. Seb Vettel was everywhere where Sez Jez wasn't, everybody else saw him. Our old mate Bruce is now best muckers with Jensen Button, Murray Walker is still a motormouth and Sir Jackie Stewart is still the perfect ambassador for the sport.

The weather wasn't too bad, warm and sunny at times, just one or two heavy showers and a howling gale. The tent stayed up alright, in fact far better than some on the campsite, so we were able to sit around in the canopy, snug, warm and dry, drinking vast quantities of ice cold bottled beer, ice from Lidl, 89p per bag! who'd have thought it. We did decide if we actually wanted to put ice in our drinks, Pimms anyone?, we would have to lash out an extra 11p and get the ice from Sainsbury's, there being no Waitrose nearby.

But then the downside. Copious beer equals copious widdles. So off we kept trooping to the loos.
And spending so much time in there I came to contemplate the utter uselessness of the giant toilet roll.

Giant toilet rolls first made a debut way back in the 80s. They were heralded as god's gift to public toilets. Last longer, need changing less often, less likely to run out, cheaper in the long run, more hygenic as they came in an enclosed dispenser, and able to find a cure for the common cold to boot if my memory serves me, or so it seemed at the time.

Its thirty years now and the bastard things are still there.

But if something ever turned out not to be a great idea, then this has to be it.

Because the roll is so big and heavy it doesn't actually unroll very well, so you have to stick your hand up inside the casing and manually rotate the roll until the end eventually flops down. Very hygenic. Then you start pulling and one of two things happen:-

a) you pull hard and unravel at least four feet of the stuff, economical see?

or

b) you pull hard and the paper snaps off leaving you with 3 inches and the need to stick your hand inside the cover once again.

Then there are the times when the roll has run out. Because these rolls are so valuable the dispensers have locks on, so spare rolls can't be left out cos nobody except staff can fit them anyway. They also can't be left out cos they're quite heavy and if some poor unsuspecting punter tried to lift one they'd probably give themselves a hernia. Elf and Safety hazzard innit?

And of course, you can't actually see if there is any paper left on the roll when you enter the cubicle, so you can sit down, commune with nature, stick your hand up the dispenser, twiddle away for a bit and then discover its grope through your pockets to see if you have a tissue, resort to the bare hand wipe or ,hoping there is nobody else about, gather up ones trousers and shuffle to the next empty cubicle time.

There's only one conclusion I can come up with about these abominations and that is, as us gilies use a lot more of the stuff than the boys, IT MUST HAVE BEEN INVENTED BY A MAN.

We like to bring you a "Stupid Criminal Of The Week" post as often as is possible but this week's internet viral crim is really not stupid.

The Buxom Bandit who robbed a petrol station in Queensland, Australia was not brandishing a gun, instead she was carrying two even more effective weapons as the Buxom Bandit clip on You Tube shows (you have to wait until about 25 seconds in before the annoying ad disappears)

The kind of heavy artillery this girl was pointing at her victim was guaranteed to make any teenage petrol station attendant surrender and lock himself in the toilets for a few minutes.

Local media said the incident occurred just after midnight on Monday. Australian television reports dubbed the woman "the buxom bandit", due to her revealing clothing and ample supply of busty substances.

Closed circuit television shown on Nine Network showed the blonde robber walking into the petrol station, before brandishing a knife (amongst other things) in front of attendant.

The "buxom bandit" was handed $350 AUD (£228), according to police. An investigation into the crime is ongoing.

You might think she qualifies as a stupid criminal because she did not cover her face. We say, "Who's looking at her face?"

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Those who think taxing the rich is a great idea should learn to be careful what they wish for.

France's new socialiste President, François Hollande whose promises to tax the rich won hiom the election is now starting to reveal what he means by rich.

Obviously the elite aren't rich. For a start President Hollande is not short of a Euro or two. Elitists incomes might run into millions of Euros a year but they have their mansions, penthouse apartments and luxury yachts to keep up, the salaries of their servants, comfortable apartments for their mistresses, sports cars for their wives tennis coaches, and of course foie gras and caviar does not come cheap.

So when you take into account how much it costs to be rich most rich people are technically borderline paupers.

No (Non), those greedy selfish bastards who deserve to be taxed to pay for M. Hollande's utopia are those whose lifestyles appear modest. He has announched a plan to tax computer screens because everybody who has a computer is living a life of luxury.

Another tax on wealth the French President may be considering in order to fund his profligate spending plans while meeting deficit reduction targets imposed by Germany is a travel tax which will require anyone who owns a pair of shoes to pay a weekly levy. Private planes and limousines will continue to be registered in Luxembourg and Andorra.

President Hollande dismissed talk of a pomposity tax as ridiculous. Such a tax would be pointless, he told Boggart Blog, nobody in France would be pompous enough to pay such a tax.

A story is the Sunday news comes in for our attention today:

MPs will propose awarding themselves a four-day working week as part of further “family friendly” reforms, it has been claimed.

We say give them a zero day working week, with pay to match.

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